Accidental Porn

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while.  It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com.  (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet).  Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room.  It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.

From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind.  I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.

I am a self-confessed ass-man.  I love butts.  Female butts.  I worship butts.  I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same.  If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today.  You would have loved it.” And she would be right.  I would have loved it indeed.  It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex.  I like nice butts and I cannot lie.

Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins.  Sorry Katie, it’s not you.  I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn.  I didn’t think so at all.  Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously!  Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted.  Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even.  I even read it a few times over to make sure.  Nope.   Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Cold as a dead herring.

Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature.  She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be.  Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’? 

That ‘Gym’ Look

Have you ever loitered outside a gym? Maybe Shapes? Come on, you can admit it, we are all friends here on WordPress.  Anyways, I haven’t either.  Well not exactly loitered, maybe spent longer than necessary but nothing deserving a call to the local police to have me removed.

Recently, I was outside the Shapes gym in my area, minding my own business.  OF COURSE I WAS! HOW DARE YOU DOUBT ME AND QUESTION MY MOTIVES? Have you ever looked at the people going into and coming out of Shapes? It’s usually Shapes since it’s one of the top class gyms around.  And I don’t mean leer, I meant look, like the way I was looking.

I saw a guy walking towards the door.  He had this look on his face that said, “Yeah, look at me, I’m heading in there for a heavy workout. I pump iron.” He walked with a swagger and an attitude.  He glanced around a few times to make sure he was seen getting into a gym.

Behind Mr. muscle-head, came a hot looking number clad in lulu lemon workout gear. She walked with a brisk determination towards the door.  Her walk said, “I can’t wait to get in there and do my shit and get out.” or maybe, ‘Whose that idiot sitting in the car?’

I saw chicks walked in looking like they were on a runway, some had so much makeup, their facial muscle had to be been hard from lifting all that weight. I saw guys strut in looking like King Shit. Or just a gay Arnold. Is that what gyms do to people?

Driving away, well even a stalker must leave sometime, I noticed blondie to my left getting ready to get into her car after a hard workout.  I know it was hard because her lulu-lemon-clad butt testified to that. She saw me looking and flashed me ‘the look’.  It’s the look that said, ‘Haul your lazy ass in there and get in shape instead of sitting around out here watching us! You little pervert!” Honestly babe, it’s not like that, you see I was just in the neighborhood and…and…nevermind.