Jillian Michaels Lied To Us…Well To You

jillian_michaels_workoutWhile in line at Supermarket checkout the other day, I saw a fitness magazine with fitness guru Jillian Michaels on the cover with the caption, “Jillian Michaels’ Secret Workout.” My first thought was, “What? She has a secret workout? What about all those videos she keeps selling? How about that 30 day shred? You mean she doesn’t even do those? She keeps the effective ones to herself? Well that’s not fair!”

Well seriously, what do you mean, her secret workout? Why is she keeping that a secret? Well no darn wonder I did the 30 day shred and it not only took me way shorter but it worked like crap. In fact I think I gained a few pounds.

So Jilly girl, what’s the damn secret? Just tell us already.

Weird And Random Thoughts On A Lunch Stroll

imagesI started walking on my lunch breaks to get away from my desk and get some much-needed exercise.  It is going great! Kinda lonely, but I have my thoughts to keep me company.  I found that some of these thoughts were strange, weird, random and on the crazy side.   Here are yesterday’s thoughts from my stroll…

Great day for walking.  I will do about an hour today.  Should I put my cell in my pocket or hold it in my hand?  Ok, pocket it is.  Nah, hand is better.  Looks cooler.  Car keys in other hand.  Now we are good to go. Hey!  That blonde just checked me out!  And another! And another!  I must look not-too-bad.  Shit! Did I remember to suck my gut in and square my shoulders?  Can’t remember.  Look at the legs/ass on that girl in the shorts…oh nevermind, just some teenie girl trying to look older than she is.  What’s with these young girls today?  Should I turn here? No, go on a bit more. It’s still early into the walk.  Here is perfect!  Where the heck am I?  Holy shit! I walked far! I still have to get back to my car. Uh huh…I want to go poo pee bad!

I have been walking behind this lady now for the last 20 minutes.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m following her.  I am dressed for styling/work, not walking.  I must look idiotic.  Oh swing those arms! Look like you are walking! You are passing by a school!  You don’t want to be mistaken for a pervert.  Let them know you are just getting your exercise in.  What’s this world coming to anyways?  A grown man can’t casually stroll by a school without feeling self-conscious?  Ok, I am done with this walking.

Why is that woman sitting on the grass?  Why is that girl lying on the grass? Reading or texting?  Must be texting, young people don’t read anymore.  I seriously want to pee but I just need to get back to my car and get to work. I can pee there.  I should pee behind that tree but with my luck, that blogger chick who blogged about seeing too many penises would see mine and blog about it.  I.am.seriously.done.

How come I’m the only idiot walking anyways?  So many people yet I’m the only exerciser? Nice bike in that yard. I wonder what they would do if I just took it and ride away…Ok, where the hell is my car?  It’s almost an hour! I always do this crap.  Go walking and forget that I have to walk back.  Oh, there it is, just a block away…finally! Now to go back to work and blog about it.

 

Momma Said Keep Your Legs Closed Except For Maybe A Little Gap…

The much-coveted thigh gap

The much-coveted thigh gap

It is often said some girls are so tight that you have to pry their legs open with a crow bar.  Luckily for those men without crow bars or the strength to open up their women’s legs like oysters, women are simplifying things.  Men, say hello to the Thigh Gap! The latest trend among women and especially teen girls.

Girls whose thighs were once so close that they looked like mermaids, are now showing off thighs that are so far apart, you’d think they had a fight the night before.  You can see daylight through their legs now.  Easier access to the pearl.

On the serious side, our teenage daughters are starving themselves to acquire this ‘hot’ look!  Skinnier thighs equals thigh gaps.  An unhealthy practice to say the least.

I was never a fan of gap-toothed grin but a gap-thighed look? I dunno.  I have always been drawn to peep holes.  A thigh gap might be one of the best thing a wife could do for her husband also.  “Honey, you can stand in front of me if you want. I see the tv through your legs. It’s quite ok.”

So, do you have a thigh gap? Can I see forever through your thighs?  Is it naturally made or self-engineered?

An example where the before beats the after.

An example where the before beats the after.

I am not fat but my thighs sometimes rub together when I run.  This bothers me as it is a wee bit uncomfortable and stings.   Also, my ‘third thigh’ has to compete for space with two bigger and tougher muscle heads.  With a thigh gap, at least the little guy has some room to swing.  Yep, I think I need a thigh gap.

I’ll leave you with a little joke I heard way back.  At a young woman’s funeral, a man was overheard saying, “Finally they are both together.”  The person close to him asked, “Oh, her husband is dead?”  “No”, was the response, “I was talking about her legs.”

Gang Kills Man. Gangnam That Is.

thIt was bound to happen sometime.  I saw it coming and you did too.  The most over-hyped thing to hit us in a long time has turned into a killer!

Before I go any further, I will first acknowledge the poor guy that died leaving his three kids and wife behind.  (Well it’s not like they wanted to go with him).  May his soul rest in peace.

My work is having its Christmas party tomorrow, Saturday and knowing the dj was of course going to play Gangnam style,  I was actually planning to do a dance spoof of it..  Yeah, I know, I hate the darn thing but so what?  I hate broccoli too but sometimes I eat it.

I am thinking that the newspapers’ headline for that poor guy could very well have been mine.  ‘Father of three dies while doing the Gangnam‘.  I am a father of three in case you missed that.

I don’t want to make too many funnies about this because someone lost their life and that’s not funny.  Like seriously, what if a family member was to read my blog about it? How would they feel?   Sounds like the deceased was a real fun guy, busting a move at his party and all…totally sounds like me.  I’m glad he beat me to it and halted my plan in its tracks.

Moral of the story.  Hmm…I dunno.  There is no moral.  Well… maybe dance like you are dying because you might really be? You choose.

Anyone up for a cuddle or a snuggle?

geisha

geisha (Photo credit: reflectionsinapuddle)

I feel cuddly today.  Is anyone up for a little closeness?  (Men need not respond). I’ll even pay for it if you want.  If not, then I’m moving to Japan. Or to the USA, because I’m all about being hugged today.

In Japan, a first of its kind ‘cuddle cafe’ was recently opened.  I can go there and for a small fee, get all the loving feelings I want without the loving.  It’s like a postcoital cuddle without the coitus. It’s like a climax without the…ok you get the idea.

For those of you who are too busy to follow the link and read it for yourselves let me give you a quick breakdown on what this service provides.  You go into this ‘cafe’, pay your hard-earned cash and pick a young (emphasis on young) girl of your choice to share a bed-sized cubicle with.  For a few more yen one could get the young Japanese girl (what do they call them anyways, Geisha?) to dress up in a costume of their choosing.  I heard that Sailor Moon is very popular, right behind School Girl.   You can also take it further by putting your head in the girl’s lap, for a fee of course.  Massage, staring into each other’s eyes, holding hands, are other add-ons available.  But no sex! Sounds right up Bill Clinton’s alley.

The Snuggery, located somewhere in the US, is based on the same idea, or the other way around.  I think your choice is a bit more limited as you snuggle with the proprietor.  (How often do you get to do that?).  No young uns at this joint.  The Snuggery is all about the healing power of a snuggle so you might be able to get Obamacare to pay for it.

An excerpt from the FAQ section of The Snuggery’s webpage:

Q. What if I become sexually aroused during my session?
A. Don’t worry, it happens! Although sexual activity is not permitted, arousal is perfectly normal and should not make anyone feel uncomfortable.

That sounds like a problem I would have, doesn’t it? Do you even know what I’m talking about? If not, read Massage Table Confessions.

Wanna cuddle now? No monkey business, I promise…