Monday Madness: Keep Your Head To Yourselfie.

The dreaded school head lice letter

The dreaded school head lice letter (Photo credit: ChezMummy)

 

Do you or someone you know take selfies?  Do you or someone you know have head lice?  How about this, are you a regular selfie taker who happen to also have head lice?  Maybe it’s not such a coincidence as you may thing.  It turns out that the two are connected.  How? Don’t ask silly questions. It’s plain as day. Let’s put our heads together on this one.  Oh actually, let’s not.

 

I read somewhere, probably here, that head lice is prevalent among selfie-taking taking teen girls.  This is due to girls putting their heads together when taking a photo of themselves.  No idea on how the other person got the lice in the first place but with my dirty mind, I’m thinking that perhaps their partner had pubic lice and…nevermind. Too much information.

 

Closer guys.

Closer guys.

 

So next time you decide to take a selfie with your bffs, make sure you know where your head is at all time and keep it to yourself.

 

 

 

 

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

My Most Embarrassing, Agonizing and Violating Experience. Ever

Warning:  Blog contains graphic detail of catheter inserted in penis and the odd sexual innuendo.

Today I had the worst experience of my life in terms of pain and discomfort.  I made the mistake of complaining to my doctor about some issues I was having about two months ago with my bladder.  After sending me to see a urologist, I was booked for a Urodynamic Assessment.  Don’t know what that is? You will by the time you are through reading this blog.

I had an idea what I was in for as I read up a bit on it.  I knew something was going to be inserted into my urethra.  I also knew it would cause some pain, but nothing prepared me for what was in store.  Nothing could.

When I checked in, I was sent to a change room to don a robe and gown, much to my dismay.  I always feel a little less of a man when wearing that dreaded gown.  Plus, I had nothing on underneath!  I was sent to sit with a bunch of old timers dressed like I was.  They were all hooked up to IV’s and I suspected were there to have various ‘old timers’ procedures.  There were two women among them and the thought that they too were naked underneath the flimsy cloth made me feel just a bit uncomfortable.

Remember I blogged a while back that I have this fear of having erections at the wrong places, like massage tables etc.?  Here.  Well as I sat crossed-leg, I thought, “What if I get a hard-on and then they come to get me?”  The thought terrified me so much that I was determined not to let that happen.  I started to think of nonsexual things. Like the old timers sitting with me.

I was supposed to report for my procedure with a full bladder and by the time the nurse came to get me, I could barely stand.  I wanted to go! Bad!  She called my name and asked how I was doing and I replied, “I really really want to pee!”

In the room, I sat in visible distress as she went over what was to take place.  She placed a long plastic object on the table and informed me that it was to be used as the probing object.  It would be inserted into the tiny hole in my pee pee and all the way into my bladder.  The thought alone made me ill.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, this young female nurse was the one who was going to administer my torture!  She sent me to lie on the bed while she prepared the tools of her trade.  Lying there, we talked about our lives, The Voice, family, etc.  I was getting rather comfortable with her.  So comfortable that again I thought, “What if I get a hard-on right here?  How embarrassing would that be?”  So I bit my fingers to distract myself.  Then thought of what lay ahead.

Then she was hovering over me, lifting up my robe and gown exposing my privates.  Thanks darling, I needed that. Then she showed me a small pack of antiseptic wipes.  Or was it gel? Not sure.  “I am going to wipe you with this, ok?”  I nodded.  I had no choice as I was at her mercy.

She took hold of my member and gently wiped it.  Then again.  As she wiped the underside where the nerves were, I instantly felt myself reacting to it.  (Come on! I am human! Don’t go judging me!) Oh gosh no! Seriously?  Kill me now!  Please nurse, stop wiping and get on with it!  This was bad.  Down boy! Down! This is the absolutely worst time!

The nurse must have felt the sudden change too because all of a sudden the wipe was out of her hand and replaced by the catheter, like a magician.  And just like a magician, it was suddenly being pushed into my urethra! OH. MY. GOD!

index

I knew it was going to be bad but had no clue what bad was.  It felt like a scaly garter snake slithering up my penis!  While she urged me to breathe in and exhale through my mouth, I thrashed and writhed and clenched my fists.  Then I groaned then half screamed. I was in agony.  Distress. Traumatized. Violated.  And I was dying.  I wanted to stop her.  Call it off.  Anything to make her/it go away. I also wanted to kill her and her entire family.  Whatever it took to make this stop.  I hated her!

After what seemed like an eternity in hell, it was all in.  I whimpered inside like a wounded animal.  The violation was not over.  She then inserted another object into my anus as part of the test.  So I was DP’d.  Wow!  Could you say EMBARRASSED?

When it was all done, I told her that it was officially the worst experience of my life.  I have an excellent pain threshold but this was not pain.  This was something else.

Against my better judgement, I went back to work and shared my story.  Well it made me the butt of jokes for the day.  Oh and no pun intended.

 

 

 

 

What’s Your Excuse, Big Boy?

feb06a8d-e7ad-495d-8841-d859157ac54f_What-s-Your-ExcuseWomen are mad! No no, I don’t mean you women/chicks/ladies are nuts.  That’s a whole different blog.  I am talking about women being mad over the photo posted on Facebook by a hot mother of three.  She had the nerve to post a hot pic of herself looking sexy as hell, with the caption, ‘What’s your excuse’.  I am not sure what she meant by that but I couldn’t think of one excuse for ogling her photo. Not even having a wife and kids was a good enough excuse.

Ok, I know she wasn’t talking to me.  She probably wasn’t talking to you too but some saw it as an attempt to belittle, pardon the pun, fat people.  I don’t see it that way.  Jeez, Jillian Michaels and all the other slave driver excuses for trainers say the same thing all the time and no one takes exceptions.  Don’t believe me? Watch Biggest Losers.  Heck, they are even calling fat people losers!!! Somebody better organize a protest. Do it now while I go peruse Maria Kang’s Facebook page.

Back to Ms. Hottie. So she’s posing in a nice workout bra complemented by matching micro shorts. Her rock hard abs are to die for as are her arms.  To some, she might be regarded as a MILF. (not to me, I’m married with kids).

If you are one of those who took exceptions to this photo and feel that it was a personal barb at you, don’t be.  As a matter of fact, what’s your excuse?

It’s Almost 3am And I Can’t Sleep!

sleep

sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Pardon me for waking you up at this ungodly hour but I cannot sleep!  I lay there with my mind going at a break-neck speed.  Doesn’t it realize that it has all day tomorrow to think? I am hot, I am uncomfortable, I am restless.  Then I thought that maybe I should get myself a drink.  As in the hard stuff.  But then I remember the warnings.  “Don’t drink before bed, you won’t be able to sleep”.

But wait a minute!  What kind of conspiracy is this??  Have you ever seen someone under the influence with their eyes wide open and alert?  Exactly!  They are always fast asleep!  Passed out somewhere, anywhere.  Seems like the perfect sleeping pill to me.  So why lie to us?  So we won’t deplete the stock?

I tried the sheep counting thing but that kept me even more awake.  I stayed up wanting to find out how many sheep there actually were.  So here I am blogging at 2:46am.  Everyone’s asleep.  Oh, I just had some mini wheats cereal, maybe that would do the trick.  Well if it doesn’t, you know where to find me.  I’m off to give it another shot…night night.  Actually I should say ‘good morning’.

Friday Folly: The Erection Goes, I Go!

imagesMen, if you have a hard on lasting more than 24 hours, see a doctor.  If it’s the result of a botched penile surgery, sue immediately!  If it lasts 8 months, then you are just an idiot, an opportunist, or have a wife that decided to take advantage of your situation.  In this case, I think it’s the latter.  In some cases, if you have an erection that lasts more than a few hours, DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND.  That’s like telling me you hid a pepperoni pan pizza somewhere in the house. I gotta get it! Or like telling a woman you have chocolate balls and a diamond dick.

It’s too bad that I did not warn the trucker from Newark who had a penile implant surgery done on him.  He is now suing the doctor that did the implant because his scrotum swelled up to the size of a basketball after 4 months and he had an erection that lasted 8 months.  Could you imagine? No, not you women.  You can’t imagine what’s it like to walk around with a loaded and aimed gun.  No wonder the wife took advantage.  She probably told him, “Don’t point that thing at me unless you plan on using it.”

So, the point of contention by the defendant’s lawyer is why didn’t this man come back after his balls became, well a big ball?  He couldn’t! He was threatened by his wife!  Here’s the guy with a blessing and a curse at the same time.  He could please his wife whenever she wants and for that, who cares about a little swelling in the sack area?

“Lose the erection and lose me, you selfish jerk!  You can finally satisfy my needs and you come up with this lame excuse?  Well, the erection goes, I go!”  That was probably her response when her poor swollen-balls husband mentioned that he wanted to get the surgery reversed.  The fact that she could now have sex and play a game of volleyball without leaving the bedroom couldn’t hurt either. So yes, she busted his balls over it.

Luckily for the guy, women are easily bored and after 8 months, she grew tired of seeing her husband as a prick.  She was probably not exactly the sports type either so playing volleyball quickly bored the heck out of her.  So one day she said to him,  “Honey, I’m not sure how to say this but I think your balls are swollen.  They are BIG! And I mean BIG!  You should go back and see that doctor who gave you the surgery.  You might want to see if he could do something for that permanent erection too.  It’s a pain in the ass.”

For 8 months, the guy couldn’t take his kid to school for fear of arousing suspicions and being labeled a pedophile.  Couldn’t stand in lines or get a massage, couldn’t go to the beach, couldn’t lie on his stomach…Heck, the guy couldn’t enjoy his kid playing on his lap!

And that’s when the trucker decided it was time to go see his lawyer.

Man, I would so switch with you!

Man, I would so switch with you!

Weird And Random Thoughts On A Lunch Stroll

imagesI started walking on my lunch breaks to get away from my desk and get some much-needed exercise.  It is going great! Kinda lonely, but I have my thoughts to keep me company.  I found that some of these thoughts were strange, weird, random and on the crazy side.   Here are yesterday’s thoughts from my stroll…

Great day for walking.  I will do about an hour today.  Should I put my cell in my pocket or hold it in my hand?  Ok, pocket it is.  Nah, hand is better.  Looks cooler.  Car keys in other hand.  Now we are good to go. Hey!  That blonde just checked me out!  And another! And another!  I must look not-too-bad.  Shit! Did I remember to suck my gut in and square my shoulders?  Can’t remember.  Look at the legs/ass on that girl in the shorts…oh nevermind, just some teenie girl trying to look older than she is.  What’s with these young girls today?  Should I turn here? No, go on a bit more. It’s still early into the walk.  Here is perfect!  Where the heck am I?  Holy shit! I walked far! I still have to get back to my car. Uh huh…I want to go poo pee bad!

I have been walking behind this lady now for the last 20 minutes.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m following her.  I am dressed for styling/work, not walking.  I must look idiotic.  Oh swing those arms! Look like you are walking! You are passing by a school!  You don’t want to be mistaken for a pervert.  Let them know you are just getting your exercise in.  What’s this world coming to anyways?  A grown man can’t casually stroll by a school without feeling self-conscious?  Ok, I am done with this walking.

Why is that woman sitting on the grass?  Why is that girl lying on the grass? Reading or texting?  Must be texting, young people don’t read anymore.  I seriously want to pee but I just need to get back to my car and get to work. I can pee there.  I should pee behind that tree but with my luck, that blogger chick who blogged about seeing too many penises would see mine and blog about it.  I.am.seriously.done.

How come I’m the only idiot walking anyways?  So many people yet I’m the only exerciser? Nice bike in that yard. I wonder what they would do if I just took it and ride away…Ok, where the hell is my car?  It’s almost an hour! I always do this crap.  Go walking and forget that I have to walk back.  Oh, there it is, just a block away…finally! Now to go back to work and blog about it.

 

Friday Folly: Cunnilingus Can Cause Cancer!

English: Michael Douglas at the Cannes Film fe...

English: Michael Douglas at the Cannes Film festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, men who enjoy ‘going downtown’ got some bad news from an unlikely source.  Actor Michael Douglas, who was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2010.  According to Douglas, his cancer was caused by oral sex. No, not receiving, giving.

Well our parents always did warn us that our tongues will get us into trouble but they never warned us that a little licking could stop the heart from ticking.

I know what you men are thinking.  “This is so not fair!”  I also know what you women are thinking.  “This is so not fair!” And you smokers are thinking, “See?  And they say smoking causes cancer!”  Even after years of heavy smoking, cigarettes were not fingered as the suspect in Michael Douglas’ cancer!  Does this mean that we can’t call them cancer sticks anymore?  Does it also mean that oral sex should be called cancer lick?  Hmm…makes me wonder what caused Farrah Fawcett’s anal cancer…Just wondering out loud.

This better be worth it!

This better be worth it!

Have a great weekend ya’ll!