Distracted Surfing

I simply cannot stand the internet these days.  Well not exactly the internet,the world wide web, the WWW.  The thing is, not to long ago, I could do a search in Google or whatever search engine and I will click on the link I like best and it will show me ‘just the facts, sir’.  Now when I click on the link, it takes me to a page with a couple of sentences that relate to the topic I searched for and the rest is INTERESTING STUFF!

Just today, I clicked on a link that was supposed to take me to videos showing the effects of Trump’s ban on immigration. The first thing that caught my eye was a photo of racks.  Yes, that kind of a rack.  Cleavages!  Not uncovered, mind you, but enough to pique my interest, especially when it said, ‘What shape breasts are you?’

Of course I want to see how my breasts stack up against whatever ones they had on display, so Muslim Ban forgotten and off into breastland I go.  I didn’t stay long though because, yes you guessed it, I was again bombarded with a bunch of other options to check out.  See what the cameraman captured, Stars who showed too much, 20 things you never knew existed, animals you never knew existed…the list goes on. and on and I went on and on and on until, you guessed it, I was on some hub or something like that. Oh well..

So yes, I can’t just surf anymore. Impossible.

Dadda!

Hey Dads, and you too moms, ever noticed how you have different feelings towards your child calling ‘mommy’ or ‘Daddy’?

When your little one first utters the word ‘Dadda’ or ‘Mama’, you drop whatever you were doing, and run to their crib, or where ever they are.  “Oh my God! She said Dadda! She said Dadda! Did you hear that, hon?  Babes, little Elsa just said Dadda!”  As the ‘Dadda’ utterances get more frequent, your response times slows until one day, you barely react.  Glued to your television set watching the Winnipeg Jets play the Washington Capitals, little Elsa’s ‘Dadda’ falls on deaf ears.

Unfortunately, little Elsa is not ‘little’ anymore.  The cuteness is gone.  Elsa is 7 years old and now says ‘daddy’ instead of ‘dadda’.  You barely noticed the transition and sometimes actually cringe when  you hear ‘Daddy!’   Just call your mom, already!  What does a guy have to do to just get some peace and quiet around here?  It’s not the same anymore, is it?

Are you dressing inappropriately?

I am going to Disney Land!

A few weeks ago, while downtown, I happened to be walking behind a couple of ‘well-dressed’ women out for night of party.  As they walked, their hands were busy trying to keep their much-too-short dresses that looked more like a shirt, from giving passers-by an accidental sneak peak.  Fortunately for them, they were successful.  Unfortunately for them, their luck didn’t hold when it came to their shoes.

These women were wearing shoes with stilt-like heels.  All of a sudden, one of them had an ankle that decided it wanted to get closer to the ground.  The young woman wanted none of that and fought to resist this upstarted ankle.  She over corrected and next thing you know, she is fighting with both ankles, stumbling like a drunken sailor, this way and that until she finally got within arm’s reach of a railing which she hung on to for dear life. Not to be outdone, her friend’s ankles decided to do the same thing and she too ended up sharing the railing with her friend. A smile creased my face as I walked past them, fighting the urge to laugh out loud.

That was the consequences of dressing inappropriately.  These women were dressed to look good, and they did, but it was came at a price.  Apparently, they had no clue that they were dressed inappropriate so I came up with some points for those of you who might be dressing inappropriately but have no idea.

If you spend your fun night out pulling the hem of your skirt or dress down, you are dressed inappropriately. Go change.

If you walk around as though about to fall on your face because you just had to buy those 6″ high heels, you are dressed inappropriately.  Watch the video below.

Those 80’s high waisted shorts are back in!  The ones that go way up pass your belly button.  Well if your belly button is hogging the covers more than your butt cheeks, then maybe you are also dressed inappropriately? You think? Doesn’t matter what I think!

Talking about shorts, if yours are so short that the underside of your butt winks at me as you walk by, what do think?  It doesn’t matter if I wink back!

If there’s no beach in sight for miles, yet you are dressed in a nice sexy 2-piece bathing suit and walking around the town, then yup, you look good but inappropriate.  Let’s call it inappropriate sexiness. Like that racist joke you heard at work, sounded good but so inappropriate.  A friend of mine on a recent trip to Disney, asked the question on Facebook if it was right for young, I mean really young, girls to walk around the beach in Disneyland wearing thongs. You tell me.

If there’s a beach close by but you saw it fit to wander off in your new thongs and mingle with families just out for a stroll, then maybe you are dressed inappropriately.  It doesn’t matter if I like it. 

Last winter, I saw a lot of young women wearing house slippers outside, even with snow on the ground.  That has to be a mental thing but it’s still inappropriate!  I don’t care if it’s warm and comfy!

Bearpaw Loki II Women  Round Toe Leather Brown Scuffs Slippers Shoesimage

You are not in bed but at the mall yet you are clad in your cotton flannel pajama pants.  (And house slippers!) Definitely inappropriate. Go back to bed!

If your OUTERwear is getting more air time than your UNDERwear, you just might be dressed inappropriately.  Doesn’t matter if I like it!

If none of the above applies to you but  your 12-year old daughter is guilty, then tell her nicely that she’s dressing inappropriately.

Talking about daughter, if you and your daughter fight over who gets to wear what, then let her have it, it’s inappropriate for you anyways.

There’s a time and a place for everything, even your inappropriate attire, it’s  in October and it’s called Halloween.

But again, maybe I’m just out of touch with the times…

 

 

Thank Goodness For Change Room Cams!

While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.”  Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.

I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me.  The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”

After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues.  I couldn’t find toilet paper.  Right on cue, the voice came at me again.  “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.”  Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these spy cams customer service cameras!

Boss, Is That You?

The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me.  Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes.  Just wanted to put a face to the noise.  I know, I am weird that way.  I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…

To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.

I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…

That Fogging Guy!

The fogging guy woke me up last night!  I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything.  When I looked out my bedroom window,  we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too.  I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake.  Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!

Friday Folly: Dear Ashley Madison

Hi Ashley,

I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days.  You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore.  I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so.  Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!

Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey?  You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude.  But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.

Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’.  Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing!  What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.