Thank Goodness For Change Room Cams!

While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.”  Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.

I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me.  The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”

After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues.  I couldn’t find toilet paper.  Right on cue, the voice came at me again.  “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.”  Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these spy cams customer service cameras!

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Boss, Is That You?

The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me.  Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes.  Just wanted to put a face to the noise.  I know, I am weird that way.  I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…

To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.

I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…

That Fogging Guy!

The fogging guy woke me up last night!  I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything.  When I looked out my bedroom window,  we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too.  I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake.  Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!

Friday Folly: Dear Ashley Madison

Hi Ashley,

I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days.  You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore.  I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so.  Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!

Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey?  You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude.  But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.

Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’.  Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing!  What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.

It’s Not Funny When There’s No TP!!

English: Toilet paper, orientation "under...

English: Toilet paper, orientation “under” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, reaching without thinking to the spot that I could navigate to with closed eyes.  My hands felt nothing.  Well nothing that felt like what I was reaching for.  My eyes flew opened. No!  At least there’s a backup.  My fingers reached up into the cavernous recess in search of the backup roll. Came up empty. Well not entirely.  I felt the cardboard rollers that once were embraced by two-ply toilet paper. Noooo! Just when I needed it most! What do I do now?

TP

Actual photo taken during down time

I sat there, in my work’s washroom, thinking about my next move. I will just hobble over to the other stall and grab some. I just hope I don’t get caught. Just when I was about to put my plan into action, the door opened.  Please just pee and leave, I thought to myself. But the intruder opened up the door to the vacant stall next to mine and made himself at home. While I waited, I browsed Facebook and Instagram.  I made myself at home too. My pants were still down to my ankle but my work in there was over. Long over.

After what seemed like an eternity, I heard rustling. The next door neighbor taunted me with the loud sound of toilet paper rolling over the holder.  Teasing me.  I shut out the sound. I will wait.

I followed him with my ear. Zipper up, belt tied, flushed.  Listened for the hygienic hand-washing then the sound of the door opening.  It was time! Like a prisoner hobbled by shackles but still trying to escape, I made my way to the next stall and the toilet paper that awaited me.  I prayed that no one would come in and no one did. I sat down, breathed a sigh of relief and helped myself to a generous amount of paper. A bum wipe never felt that good…

Running Woman Makes Blogger Breaks Vow

English: Running woman Nederlands: Hardlopende...

English: Running woman Nederlands: Hardlopende vrouw (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear readers, I have a problem. You see, I have this habit of double glancing everytime I see a beautiful woman.  It doesn’t help that I think women are God’s most beautiful creation, bar none. If a woman walks past me in yoga pants, lululemon or tight jeans, I can’t help but look back to see if she looks as good leaving as she did coming. Nothing sexual or lustful, just pure admiration for the fairer sex and the presentation. I am happily married and think my wife is the cat’s meow so I guess it’s more like admiring your neighbor’s expensive red jaguar. Not wanting the expense but thinking it’s still a beauty to admire. So now you get where I’m coming from?  Don’t want you to start judging me, calling me a playa and all that, because I swear, that’s not how it is at all.  Don’t judge be because of that last post. Here.

But anyways, I am not writing this blog to confess my bad habit to you, no sir/ma’am.  The reason I’m blogging is actually to tell you what happened on Saturday morning.  My 8-year-old has soccer practice on Saturday mornings and instead of taking turns driving him, I told the wifey that I would do the honors. I am more of the morning person and enjoy the alone-time, drinking my coffee while I wait for him.  Going to MacDonald’s for breakfast after is a good deal maker too.  So anyways, while standing on the side of the field, I caught myself double looking at a female coach who was coaching some 5-6-year olds. Yes, she was wearing lululemons. Or were they yoga pants? I was mad at myself and made a mental vow that starting immediately, I would not give any woman the double-look again.  I vowed to be strong. I had to stop before it got out of hand, right? So yep, no more checking out the grass on the other side. Done!

While enjoying my new-found emancipation from this binding addiction, movement on my periphery caught my attention.  I turned my head and saw it was just a blonde young woman, dressed in lululemon pants, or were they yoga? and matching top, out for a run.  Her pony-tailed hair swooped from side to side like a horse’s. (Oh, that’s why they call them pony tail! Aha moment!).

Kinda like her

 

Vow forgotten, tossed to the wind like torn up paper, I double glanced.  Yup, I did.  It was the hair, I swear!  She probably used it to put weak men with vows in trances. Mesmerize us.  Had to be. as here I was, double, triple, quadruple glancing, waiting for her to go by to see if she had the correct running form. She did! He hips, shoulders and entire body was a mass of rhythm. I was proud of her. Like a running coach admiring his star athlete.

Ok, nothing is as beautiful as a woman and nothing is as graceful as a human running.  See where I’m going with this? So yup, I broke my vow before it was even cooled from exiting the warmth confines of my thought. I disgraced the school of thought.

Honey, let’s go running.  Better yet, you go running around the block while I watch.  Yes, around the bed is fine too…

 

Check this out:

https://funnysideupandscrambled.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/its-all-about-the-sunscreen-honestly/

When Stars Collide

Don’t you just love it when celebs fight? It’s not like the normal fights us peons have. It’s kinda funny, stupid and dumb at the same time. And then to top it off, their twitter followers usually side with them and harass their opponents. Take Kid Rock and Beyonce for example.  Apparently Kid Rock questioned The Queen Bey’s claim to success, saying that she doesn’t have a legit hit but still is uber successful. What does the Bey say? Well she didn’t have to say anything, her Beyhive did all the talking, spamming poor Kid Rock’s Twitter page and his other social media accounts. Poor Mr. Rock, indeed.

To be fair, Beyonce has earned her stripes the hard way, by being a Queen B as in…nevermind that but contrary to what the Kid said, she does have some smash classic hits, destined to go down in the annals of music history.  Songs such as…nevermind that also. I am so forgetful today.  Part of growing old I guess.

Beyonce is best known for being half of a Beauty And The Beast relationship.  Can you guess which half she is? Kid Rock also thinks that the Bey’s body, notably her ass, is to be blamed or credited for her astounding success. Some may say it’s the Beast in her. Oops! No pun there.  Still waiting for some leaked pics of her to determine what exactly is responsible for the buzz around the Bey. Oh Beyhive!