Manic Monday: Honey, I Cleaned The Toilets.

imagesI hope my wife is happy.  Why?  Because I cleaned the toilet. Not entirely but the most important spot, the bowl. Before you die in consternation wondering what’s the deal about  cleaning the throne, let me explain.

I have this thing about seeing shit stains in the toilet when I stand to tinkle.  You know those stubborn stains that no matter how you try to flush them they never disappear? They loiter around the bowl like zits on a teenager’s face.  Well I hate them. They irk me.  They are my pet peeve.  So when I pee, I used my tinkle like a fireman’s hose and hose it all off.  Shit stains be gone!

I usually walk out of that washroom as proud as a peacock, after admiring my handiwork before I exit. It’s so easy.  Men, if you are like me and hate seeing your porcelain throne desecrated, use what God gave you and give it a good hosing down.  Wave goodbye to those shitbits.

Last night I went to use the washroom and saw some remnants of the last worshipper’s visit. No problem, I’ll take care of that.  I aimed my stream directly on the stains.  Close to the rim, along the top, everywhere.  Before my bladder was completely empty, not a stain remained.  Success!  Now my wife would/should be very happy.

Sometimes if I’m in a good mood, I’ll even put my hose to good use at public washrooms. It’s not always a success story in those places as the stains are more than just stubborn, they are clingy, they are dogged. They are determined to stay put and there are lots of them!  Ever heard the saying there’s strength in numbers?

If I’m ever at your house and you noticed your toilet bowl is spotless when I leave, thank me later.  Just using my hose, ma’am.

Disclaimer: the above does not work on underwater stains.

Friday Double Folly: Waitress, This Coffee Tastes Like Shit!

Green logo used from 1987-2010, still being us...

Green logo used from 1987-2010, still being used as a secondary logo. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A shitty bit of news today, it is alleged, and alleged is the operative word here, that a Starbucks coffee in Hong Kong is using water from the bathroom to brew its coffee.

Now this might sound like a big cup of crap to you but for the coffee lovers out there, this is the shit!  Who wants to add the taste of crap to their morning breath? Now when someone says you have morning breath you can now respond with, “Nah, it’s just my Starbucks.”

When approached by the media, a Starbucks employee feigned surprise. “What? Coffee taste like shit?  Can’t be.  The bowls were cleaned only yesterday.  Mr. Yen! Hey, Mr. Yen!”  (Loosely translated).

The manager, Mr. Yen apparently came to the employee’s rescue and told the media, “Get lost! Drink shit and die!”

His suggestion may have come too late for some.  Have a great weekend! And remember, if there’s corn in your coffee, it’s not a good thing.


One dirty old man

In case some of you didn’t know, having a son is a big deal, not that daughters don’t hold their own in  the ‘big deal’ department but as far as I know, no one has ever sacrificed their personal hygiene for a chance of having a daughter.

In a story that sounds a lot like Snoop Dogg Lion’s, an indian man went to see a priest about having a son. The advice he got was to not shower or bathe.  Thirty eight years and seven daughters later, still no son and still no bath.

Now a few things come to mind when reading this outrageous story.   ‘His wife has threatened to stop sleeping in the same bed as him if he didn’t bathe.’  What sort of a threat is that? Every day for the last thirty eight years? By now I think Mr. Dirtyoldman is immune to her empty threats. “Look here dirtbag!  You better clean up your act or I swear this time I won’t sleep in the same bed with you.  Don’t laugh, this time I am dead serious!  You still smell like the curry we cooked last month.”   His response probably goes something like this, “Tut Tut, you say that all the time.  You like the smell don’t you?  Acqua di BiO (B.O as in Body Odor) is your favorite cologne.”

All jokes aside, what does this guy and Snoop Lion have in common?  A lot.  They both worship at the same church, apparently, and meditate using the same drug.  Oh, and they both follow instructions very well, no matter how ridiculous.

Smell you later!

Related articles: