Thank Goodness For Change Room Cams!

While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.”  Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.

I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me.  The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”

After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues.  I couldn’t find toilet paper.  Right on cue, the voice came at me again.  “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.”  Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these spy cams customer service cameras!

Boss, Is That You?

The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me.  Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes.  Just wanted to put a face to the noise.  I know, I am weird that way.  I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…

To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.

I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…

All Pooped Out At Work

I swear that some people take bathroom breaks at work just to get away and they will try to stay in there as long as they could, slackers!

Take today for instance, when I went to use the bathroom there was a guy in the stall next to me. When I left, almost one hour later, he was still there! Could you believe that?  Like seriously buddy, are you hiding from work?  Or are you doing your work in the privacy of a bathroom stall?  Some people!

 

 

Free The Nipple! Yes You Can!

This is a photograph of one's nipple.

This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world.  Now there is another freedom chant.  It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple.  Women need freedom, one nipple at a time.  No more incarcerated nips!

Now I totally understand how these women feel.  Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup!  A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free.  I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it.  Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies!  By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”

Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?

Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????

Friday Folly: If You Wee Wee Playing Wii, You Might Have A Wee Bit Of An Issue

A 36 year old woman found out she had cervical cancer while playing a dancing game on the Wii console.  No, the Wii didn’t tell her that she had cancer.

Emma White apparently had some wetness between her legs from the excitement of dancing.  Or so she thought.  It turned out she was wrong. Almost dead wrong.  Emma had wee wee’d herself! Oui!

So what happened is that she had never wet herself unknowingly before, you could ask her husband, so she sought out medical advise and tests showed that she had cervical cancer. Thanks to her Wii and her wee wee, Emma was able to beat it.  Yeah, the game too.

A Virgin on A Virgin

1297557132902_ORIGINALMy oh my, the joys of being young. And drunk. And on a plane.  And having sex with someone you met on said plane.  I guess you can call it a ‘one flighter’ or as it is popularly referred to, mile-high-club sex.

This is so ironic but a young virgin on her way to sin city, apparently couldn’t wait to get to Vegas to lose her virginity, so she end up having what I will call premature sex on a, wait for it, a Virgin Airline!  Let me come clean, at least somebody is coming, and tell you that I am not sure she was actually a virgin, I just added that bit, but she was young and she was drunk and she did have sex with a guy she met on a Virgin Airline.  Oh and she was going to Vegas too.  I can only imagine what the little whore had planned for when she got there. Oops! Did I say whore? I actually meant slut virgin.

Crews were alerted to the washroom happenings after the slut nice but drunk young lass couldn’t keep her mouth shut, screaming like a banshee, thus alerting the crew.  They probably thought there were snakes on the plane and the girl, if she was indeed a virgin, probably thought the same.  Turned out it was just two young mile-high-club wannabees.

 

 

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Friday Folly: Hickory, Hickory Dock, A Lizard Ran Up My C**K!

I couldn’t come up with a better Friday Folly than this.  Some guy went to the doctor with a lizard up his urethra.  Don’t ask me how or why, I have no answer for you.  Maybe it mistook his penis for a snake?  Anyways, you gotta read this! Read it here and tell me what you think.

Oh, I made up that topic myself. Neat huh?

 

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Not Tonight Dear, I’ve Been Busting Hookers All Day.

Don't wait up, Hon.  It's gonna be a long night

Don’t wait up, Hon. It’s gonna be a long night

In Hawaii, it’s not only legal for the local constabulary to have sex with prostitutes but also a part of the arresting process.  Like dipping your dipstick to determine whether or not your oil needs changing.  Before they could make an arrest that can stand, they have to make doubly sure that the lady-of-the-night is indeed a…night walker?

Apparently there’s a waiting list of civilians of all ages wanting to get on the force.  There’s also a long list of policemen who are begging to be put on the hooker-busting beat.  Pick me! Pick me! One veteran was once overheard bragging to his buddies that he busted 10 hookers in one night!

As I blogged, this bit of luxury was being threatened as lawmakers seek to ban the practice of cops dipping their night sticks into hookers’ tank.  “You don’t have to taste an apple to make sure it’s an apple” They argued.  Well they probably didn’t but I’m saying they did.

The spoiled Hawaiian policemen are fighting back for their right to bear arms. Oops, sorry. Not their rights to bear arms, their rights to bust hookers by bedding them.  “Why not?” They argued. “How else could we be sure they would go all the way?” Cops insisted that they must be free not just to receive blowjobs and handjobs from prostitutes but also to engage in vaginal and anal intercourse with them.

I investigated…Ok, maybe I didn’t really investigate but I inquired.  Ok, didn’t do that either.  Well bug off and leave me alone already, I am trying to make a point here! I concluded, there, that’s a better choice of word. I concluded that there are no lineups for male cops wanting to test the gay male hookers for authenticity.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ok, enough wasting time, where do I sign up to bust hookers? Never mind, I can make citizens arrest, can’t I?

Me practicing my arresting procedure:  Uh, um, how much is it for your services, ma’am? Er, woman..Lady?

Hooker: $100 for the works?

Me: I’ll take it…yeah, the works.  Oh yeah baby! Oh baby! This feels sooo good! Oh gosh am I supposed to be enjoying this? Shit! I think I’m gonna…Yessss!  Sorry ma’am. You are under arrest.  Just let me clean up a bit here and you should also put some clothes on.  Oh by the way, you are good at what you do.

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

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Picky Tiger Passes On Chinese Food

South China tiger

South China tiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that tigers in China don’t like to eat Chinese food? I know, you’d think it would be their favorite meal but no they really don’t like it.  I am not bs’ing you. Listen.

Some guy in a Chinese zoo, no, he wasn’t in a cage.  He was in the zoo as a visitor. Well not in the zoo but rather at the zoo.  Happy now? So anyways, here’s this guy at the zoo thinking to himself, man I feel like offering up myself as a living sacrifice to that tiger over there.  Do Asians talk like that anyways? Who knows and who cares?  I am not sure what came over him but according to the news I got, he climbed a tree, got into the tiger’s enclosure and started making funny movements in hopes of getting the tiger’s attention and hopefully get gobbled up.

The poor uncooked Chinese-food hopeful was disappointed that the tiger looked at him like he was last weeks food.  After some more tempting and teasing and attempts to make himself more tantalizing, I heard that the animal grabbed him by his neck, shook him maybe  to add some sense into him then released him, untasted.  Bam! How embarrassing for the poor asian fella.  Not even a hungry tiger wants to eat him.  Maybe he was too little? Nah, I still think tigers just don’t like chinese food.

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Hockey? What Hockey Game?

thI wanted to go out and enjoy some time with friends while eating some expensive hotdogs and drinking some over-priced brews.  I stumbled upon such a place and paid the much-too-high admission fee to get in.  Seems like a lot of people had the same idea as I did as the place was teeming with people.  Chicks dressed up like it was hottest chick-gets-free-drinks night, man it looked like the place to be. I was ready…

Then a darn hockey game broke out!  Yes, a hockey game.  It sucked because it took everyone’s attention.  Instead we all had to sit down on some uncomfortable chairs that were too close to each other. Us guys didn’t really mind too much but man were the hot chicks pissed!  They all had their cell phones out and were texting, tweeting, instagramming, facebooking, “WTF is this? I am wearing high heels for goodness sake! I didn’t come here to watch a dumbass hockey game!  I am going to get shit-face!” And so they did. And so did I!

If you’ve been to one of these places then you would know what I’m talking about.  You see these girls and you know right off the bat that they are not there for the game.  In fact, you doubt that they even know what teams are playing.  They are either there to drink themselves silly or to pick up hot guys like me.  Or maybe a mixture of both.

Talking about hockey game, why do players argue when they are penalized? “Ref, I swear it wasn’t me.”  or “What?!  Two minutes for tripping? I didn’t even touch the guy!”  Seriously? It’s not as if the referee is going to rethink their decision. “You didn’t touch him? Oh my bad. Scratch that call please!  Number 87 has notified me that he didn’t touch the player.  Play on!” Save your breath and energy for your next shift.

A big thanks to those hotties that show up at the barsocial, these hockey games.  Sometimes you are all that’s worth looking at.

Yoo hoo! Another beer here please!

Yoo hoo! Another beer here please!

Disclaimer:  This blog is not intended to make slight of the many true and genuine hockey loving women out there.

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