How I Plan On Making 120 Million Dollars

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian p...

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian pulp fiction provided an identity to isolated women in the 1950s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Hong Kong Dad is offering 120 mil to anyone who could straighten out his lesbian daughter. I’m all in.  Straightening out is my forte. I love money straightening out.  So this is my plan of action that I’m drafting up…

Ok, you got me.  I really don’t have a plan of action.  I have never straighten out a lesbian or gay person ever.  Where the heck do I start?  All that money, so close but still so far.  Some say gay is a part of the brain.  If I knew which part then maybe I could take it out. For that much money I could be a brain surgeon.  Others say it’s just that they haven’t had sex with the right person.  I could try that and give her a night of passion she won’t soon forget. But what if they are wrong?

I am clueless on how I could make a lesbo straight, even for that much money.  But maybe if her dad wants to pay me for making him gay…nah, homey don’t play that.  At least not for anything less than $120 000 000.

So I guess I won’t be making 120 million dollars any time soon…woe is me!

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I Need Celebrity Status

Winner of season 3 of American Idol, Fantasia ...

Winner of season 3 of American Idol, Fantasia Barrino. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes! I need to be a celebrity.  If only for the perks, and I’m not talking about the money and the fans and stuff like that.  I am talking about the freedom to speak my mind and if it rubs anyone the wrong way, I have an agent on the ready to say I didn’t mean a word of it.

You have to love it.  I could go on Twitter and say anything I want and when people get their noses out of joint, my trusty clean up guy would run interference.  “No no, you got it all wrong.” He would say.  “My guy loves everyone.  He would never say something like that.” Or some lame excuse like that. Don’t worry, when you are a celeb, lame excuses are not only accepted, they are encouraged.  Just say something Mr. Celeb, anything.  Any excuse will do.

Take this latest example.  Fantasia of American Idol fame, took to Instagram and rants, “I Rise ABOVE IT ALL!!! THE WORLD IS GONE MAD. KIDS, THE GOVERNMENT THE church House… Everybody Trying!!!!!!!” writes the 28-year-old singer on Instagram (via goodasyou.org). “Its a lot that going on that the Bible speaks about we should Not be doing. Weed legal in some places, Gay Marriage Legal BUT YET IM JUDGED!!! I’m not doing Nothing for you… My Life!!!!”   Now I don’t need to be a whiz to translate that. The meaning is loud and clear.

So the LGBT community got upset that she dissed them that way and flooded her feed to let her know they weren’t cool with what she said.  Well of course her agent stepped in right away.  “Comments made by Ms. Barrino were taken far out of context.  Ms. Barrino supports the LGBT community and has done blah blah blah…”

Fantasia herself reportedly issued a follow-up post denying any ill will toward the LGBT community. “It has been brought to my attention that something I said was taken out of context,” the Grammy winner noted. “I, Fantasia Monique Barrino, don’t judge anyone because I don’t want to be judged. The gay community is one of my largest supporters. I support the gay community as they support me. Bloggers please stop misrepresenting the facts.”  Bloggers?  Is she talking about us?

Of course, of course Fantastic Fantasia.  You were misquoted. Just like I would be when I get my status card.  I have a bunch of stuff I want to blog about that might need some excuses and some explaining.  I am looking for an agent, any takers?