Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.

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Free The Nipple! Yes You Can!

This is a photograph of one's nipple.

This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world.  Now there is another freedom chant.  It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple.  Women need freedom, one nipple at a time.  No more incarcerated nips!

Now I totally understand how these women feel.  Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup!  A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free.  I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it.  Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies!  By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”

Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?

Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????

Monday Madness: Women Cruise Convertible Style In Vancouver

go-topless-day-282In Vancouver yesterday, men forsook the boob tube and instead took in some real boobs as women bared their tops in the name of gender equality.  In case you are wondering what that means, it means that some women are not happy that us men are allowed to let our tits hang out while they have to keep theirs covered.  I agree!  I am sure that my man boobs does not equate to the same thing as a woman’s but hey…

Now I have a small confession, you see when I’m bored I sometimes look at chests.  Women’s chests. YES BOOBS!  Jeez, you just had to make me say it, didn’t you? Anyways yes I do. Most of the times they are on the computer and I have to pay for them.  Could you imagine the breast buffet if women are allowed to bare arms breasts?  Man I could see the real thing! I don’t have to sit for hours on my puter.  I will be like a vet, “Show me those puppies, ma’am.”

Too bad women were too chicken back in my day.  They would never have given thought to such ridiculousness.  Show my breasts?  No effing way!  Heck, even my girlfriends didn’t take theirs out unless it was pitch dark in my bedroom.  This is indeed a giant step for mankind.  Oh and womankind too.  These brave women deserve a good chest bump.  From me of course, who else?

Hey, but have you noticed that the women participating in these things are usually the ones you would rather not see?  Just an observation.  And what’s with those who put pasties on their nipples?  (see pic above). Come on woman!  Are you in this or not?  It’s all or nothing.  Have you ever seen a convertible with its roof half down? NO.  Then smarten up and let it all hang out!  It’s for a good cause.  What’s it for again??

Disclaimer:  I was just kidding about looking at breasts on the computer.  I don’t.  Well not unless they are looking at me first.  I am married, remember?  To a woman who is not afraid to show me her puppies when it’s not dark.

 

 

Friday’s Folly: Excuse me, can I rub your pregnant belly?

th (1)Man, times they are a changing.  Do you remember the good old days when it was not only acceptable but recommended for strangers to touch a woman’s belly when she was pregnant?  No? hmm…It never was?  Well anyways, did you know that women aren’t down with that anymore? I didn’t either. I thought it was still acceptable for strangers to get up close and personal with a woman they have never seen before.  Are you sure it never used to be?

I found how the hard way yesterday while waiting at the bus stop.  An obviously pregnant young lady sat beside me on the bench and I, being the nice person I am, decided to show her my feminine side.  I put my ear to her stomach while placing a hand on top of her baby-filled stomach.  No need to ask permission, everyone’s doing it.  “Can’t hear the cute one yet.  How far along are we?”

And that’s when everything exploded in a verbiage of insults.  “What the eff are you doing? You effing creep!  I am not pregnant!  Are you calling me fat?  Why are you touching me?  Your sick mother effer! I should call the cops!” Plus taxes and handling.

I managed to stammer an unaccepted apology and ran away red-faced.  There was no way I was going to sit in the same bus with that irate woman.  Baby or no baby.  Plus, I didn’t relish the idea of being dragged off a bus by the police for sexual harassment.

Ok, I admit, I am a chronic liar and the above story never took place.  So what?  It could very well have happened.  So I hope you learned something from this.  DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY WOMAN WITH A GUT IS PREGNANT. (You are welcome, Rihanna).  AND IT IS NEVER POLITE TO RUB THE BELLY OF STRANGERS, PREGNANT OR OTHERWISE.  THEY ARE NOT BUDDHAS.

Some women can be so sensitive when they are pregnant…

Momma Said Keep Your Legs Closed Except For Maybe A Little Gap…

The much-coveted thigh gap

The much-coveted thigh gap

It is often said some girls are so tight that you have to pry their legs open with a crow bar.  Luckily for those men without crow bars or the strength to open up their women’s legs like oysters, women are simplifying things.  Men, say hello to the Thigh Gap! The latest trend among women and especially teen girls.

Girls whose thighs were once so close that they looked like mermaids, are now showing off thighs that are so far apart, you’d think they had a fight the night before.  You can see daylight through their legs now.  Easier access to the pearl.

On the serious side, our teenage daughters are starving themselves to acquire this ‘hot’ look!  Skinnier thighs equals thigh gaps.  An unhealthy practice to say the least.

I was never a fan of gap-toothed grin but a gap-thighed look? I dunno.  I have always been drawn to peep holes.  A thigh gap might be one of the best thing a wife could do for her husband also.  “Honey, you can stand in front of me if you want. I see the tv through your legs. It’s quite ok.”

So, do you have a thigh gap? Can I see forever through your thighs?  Is it naturally made or self-engineered?

An example where the before beats the after.

An example where the before beats the after.

I am not fat but my thighs sometimes rub together when I run.  This bothers me as it is a wee bit uncomfortable and stings.   Also, my ‘third thigh’ has to compete for space with two bigger and tougher muscle heads.  With a thigh gap, at least the little guy has some room to swing.  Yep, I think I need a thigh gap.

I’ll leave you with a little joke I heard way back.  At a young woman’s funeral, a man was overheard saying, “Finally they are both together.”  The person close to him asked, “Oh, her husband is dead?”  “No”, was the response, “I was talking about her legs.”

What’s better than yoga pants? See-through yoga pants of course.

Wrap Pant for yoga

Wrap Pant for yoga (Photo credit: lululemon athletica)

Apparently Lululemon does not agree with my above sentiments, judging from their reaction when it was found that the sheer material used to make the popular yoga pants, made them see-through.  And who wants to be seen through?  Anyways, Lululemon promptly pulled the pants down off the shelves.  What about company transparency? They apparently had a similar issue with their swimsuits last year.  I never noticed…

Like I said in a previous post, here, there’s nothing more flattering on a woman than a pair of yoga pants.  To me, the greatest invention by far.  Coincidentally, this couldn’t come at a better time as I was thinking lately that it’s time I step up and do my part in protecting our environment.  I cannot allow these pants to go to a landfill as God only knows what secret ingredient Lululemon adds to them to make them so addictive.  And seriously, do you want whatever that is to leak into our air? I didn’t think so.  So what I am going to do is collect them all in the name of charity.  What charity?  Who cares?  Just in the name of charity.  Anyways, can you just read the darn blog and stop interrupting?  I am going to take the pants and give them as gifts to my female friends.  Just the ones I like.  And don’t worry wifey, you’ll get a pair too.  How do you like me now?

I am not sure if Big Butt Betty should get a pair…

And in other unrelated news, statistics have shown a sharp increase in male memberships are yoga classes in the last few months.

Hey! Who are you calling a pig?!

 

Those black yoga pants!

Read this with or without panties

English: A pair of white panties with hearts o...

If you are a woman reading this, chances are you are commando.  Well, thanks to a new poll, I have a 50/50 chance of being bang on.  For those of you who have no clue what going commando means, it’s going sans undies.  No not bra-less, panty-less.  So, are you? Just kidding, you don’t have to share that delicate and personal information with me.  Heck, we barely know each other. (So, are you?)  Actually we don’t know each other.  (But, are you though?) So then, should you even be reading my blogs without panties? It just sounds a bit kinky (And depending who you are, a bit hot) but maybe it’s just me.  Would you like to know I’m blogging in the buff or talking to you on the phone while I lie there in the nude? (And, are you?)

Why am I blogging about panties? Well today I read the following on The Examiner’s website and it piqued by interest.

In less than a day, the number of poll respondents of panty versus commando has more than tripled!

The nonscientific survey regarding women wearing undies to bed that has been live forsix days now has panty wearers and those women who choose to shed their pantiesbefore sleep in a dead heat!

40% of women have answered the simple survey as panty wearers while another 40% say they prefer to bare their bottom in bed.

Seven and a half percent claim to only wear panties on special occasions – seems fair to say that those women probably shop at Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood.

The remaining 12.5% claim to either not know what sleep is or not know what panties are.

Take the survey here: Do you wear panties or go to bed commando?

The poll will be open until midnight December 31st, 2012.

Somewhere in a cold and dark basement, there’s a naked guy awaiting your answer to this poll.  Eagerly.  Somewhere out there, anywhere, everywhere, there’s a woman enjoying a nice cool southerly breeze…And Victoria Secret is yelling, NOOO!!

Oh, and you never answered my question.  So, are you?

Related:

http://www.examiner.com/article/women-that-go-sans-panties-now-dead-heat-with-those-that-wear-undies-to-bed?CID=obnetwork