Honey, Can’t We Just Talk?

My wife is the pant wearer in our marriage.  Yep, kinda, sorta.  She said I am pumped full of estrogen. Well kinda pumped full, sorta.  If I am, then she’s full of testerone.  At night, she wants to have sex. I am sometimes happy to just talk.  With three little ones, we never get to talk anymore. Not that I mind having sex but a little ‘tell me about  your day’ sounds sooo good!

Last night I was rubbing her suggestively, at least to her.  To me it was just a loving touch, not a sign that my tired ass needed some play.  As soon as I saw that she was getting too aroused for my liking, I stopped and rolled over in my best, “Ok, goodnight, I’m off to la la land” impression.  It was almost 10pm for goodness sake!  I had to get up at 5am for work!

She said, ‘Most guys would kill to be in your shoe’ and I didn’t doubt her.  In fact, give me a good rest and I would kill for what she had to offer too.  Maybe it’s the older guy younger woman thing.  Maybe I should head over and ask Katie from Sassandbalderdash about this one.  She has some experience in this type of situation but I’m not sure if she has the intestinal fortitude to air it. She’s not as incognito as I am.  Sorry Katie, inbox me. Let’s chat. Is Mr. Craiglist in the same boat?

As soon as I’m done writing this, in fact right now, I’m going to head upstairs and do my husbandly duty.  No more estrogen-laden excuses.  Honey, can’t we just do it?

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Wacky Wednesday: You Can’t Date Me Unless You Date My Twin

b4c4e950-aad0-11e3-b95a-790fd49f1cec_0314twinsFellas, have you every fantasized about your girlfriend’s or wife’s hot sister? Or maybe even not-so-hot sister? Even hotter is if said sister was her identical twin. Do you ever wished that you could legally get it on with both without getting your pee pee ripped off? Seems impossible but it’s not. And no, you don’t even need to be a redneck.

Guys, meet identical twins Lucy and Anna  DeCinque of Perth, Australia. These girls take the ‘identical’ seriously.  Even going as far as spending $240,000 to get surgeries so they could look even more alike.  They share a house, a phone, a car, a bed, a Facebook account, a boyfriend.  Hey! did you hear me?  I said they share a boyfriend! Yes, the same guy.

Kinky! Weird! Hot! A man’s fantasy. Now I wonder if there is any funny business going on…you know like 6 legs in the same bed?  Or 3 sets of twins in bed? What is the guy’s response when asked who is his girlfriend? “Well Lucy and Anna are my girlfriends”.  How about marriage? Would they marry the same guy? Man this is just too weird for words…

Related:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/daily-buzz/identical-twin-sisters-share-boyfriend-spent-240-000-164855019.html

Pissicle For Sale! Pissicle For Sale!

English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

 

Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick.  You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant?  Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked.  Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action.  “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.

 

In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex!  How could you be pregnant?  Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation.  “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper?  A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you?  Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”

 

So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision.  Should I stay or should I go now?  Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now?  Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we?  Oh yeah, piss.

 

But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question?  Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers.  I just throw out scenarios.  Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy?  What does she tell him then?  That she lost baby Jeffery?  “Oh yeah?  You lost the baby?  That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too.  I lost my zeal to be with you also.”  Then he’d probably say,  “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too.  At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Susana!

My African Princess

My African Princess

I received the following private message a couple days ago on Facebook:

Susana Yake

Hello, My name is Miss Susana Yake, I am an Africa girl, I read your profile today at it was so good to me. I feel you are the only one missing in my entered life so i decided to stop on it and let you know that i am interested to be a friend first. I also believe that coming to you will be a probability of meeting that very thing that has been lacking in my entered life. Please contact me at my email address (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)I am a girl with respect and responsible,i respect people also and believe if you contact me,i will give you a full introduction of my self okay. i hope to hear from you soon. Remember, all the darkness in the world, can-not put out the light of a single candle as long as the light of love shines bright in your heart, and (Remember the distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life cares for my future love. (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)

 

At first I was naturally quite flattered.  Come on! I know, I am married but who doesn’t like to get some attention from someone other than the other half? Makes you go, “See honey, I told you the chicks still find me attractive.”  Plus, what’s not to like about an ‘Africa girl’ as she so eloquently put it?  Once you go black, you never go back.  Just ask my wife.

Susana wrote that she saw my profile and got smitten immediately.  Well maybe not in those words.  She also said that she respects people.  Susana, two things I don’t understand, if you saw my profile you would have noticed it said ‘married’.  Wait a minute! How could you even see my profile if my settings prohibited non-friends from seeing it?? Zuckerberg!! Let’s ignore that breach of security for a second so I could mention the next point of contention.  Suzie, you also said you respect people.  If you did, how could you try to come between my wife and I without first asking if we would be cool with a third-party?  Not that I am complaining…

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news Sue, but I think that I won’t be able to fill that hole in your ‘entered’ life.  As a matter of fact, there would be no ‘entering’ or filling of any kind.  I am scared that if I go black I won’t come back and my wife and kids would be devastated with me not coming back.  So I have to decline your offer of everlasting and true love.

If you feel so inclined, keep those flattering messages coming and maybe include a phone number so we could chat sometime. But just chat! Nothing else!  Nice pic by the way! Got any more? Do you go to the beach? Got any beach pics? I love beach pics.  Or sleepover pics of you and your girlfriends having pillow fights. Oh Susana…

 

She’s Young And I Am Older, I Am Mature But She’s Maturer

imagesIt was not supposed to be this way. She was too young. Well maybe I was too old but then that would sound self-defeating. We worked together on the night shifts and in the same department and I being Mr. Popular or was that Mr. Flirt? It was inevitable that we would cross paths. And so we did.

Yes, it wasn’t supposed to be this way and that was why we went out with co-workers for late night/early mornings eats or hangouts. These soon turned to unthreatening outings for two. Because of the age difference, I made clear my gentlemanly intentions. She agreed. You aren’t suppose to agree! What are you saying? I am not good enough for you? You calling me old?

She was very mature, and I am not just saying that to give myself an excuse. She was! I wasn’t and still isn’t, the most mature guy you would ever meet so that narrowed the gap and maybe put us to within a 10 year difference. In reality we were 19 years apart!  As a matter of fact, we still are.

As things heated up, I started googling May-December relationships. Could they work? But we are from different eras. She grew up listening to New Kids On The Block while I grew up with, ah, never mind. It didn’t matter that MC Hammer was making a comeback. What would we talk about? What could we possibly talk about?

We talked about music. She knew more about classic rock than I did and introduced me to Bon Jovi and others. She made me rediscover country and gave me Garth brooks and George Strait. Not exactly teen heart throbs. My younger and single male coworkers were sick with jealousy. Why me? They asked. “He always gets the new girls”. Yeah, I was known as a player. “It would never work”, they added. Strangely no one poked fun at our age gap. I was encouraged.

Encouraged, I decided to at least date for a while hoping she would wake up and realize she could do better. Well not better as in finding a better guy, just one closer in age. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me, (It is still debatable who is the fortunate one) she never woke up. No no she didn’t die. Just never woke up to the realization .

Ten years and three of the cutest kids in the world later, coupled with an 8-year-old marriage certificate, we are still going strong. She still haven’t caught up age wise but mentally we are now about on level ground.

Ok, I forgot, it wasn’t all a cake walk, her aunt did take me out for a coffee talk and told me to ‘stay away from her, you old perv! You want her money?’ Not in those words. Then I smilingly told her I am the innocent one here. Your niece is the mature one, go give her crap, not me. Her uncle refused to meet the old sicko who was obviously playing his niece.  Good for me he did, he is a big scary looking dude. Happy to report that they all showed up at the wedding and had the time of their lives. Both aunt and uncle later succumb to my irresistible charm and now think I am Mr. Wonderful .

YOLO.

 

The F In Friday Follies: The Seat’s Not Taken And We’d Rather It Stay That Way

We wanted this...

We wanted this…

Last Wednesday, the wife and I decided to take in a movie as part of our anniversary celebrations.  We went to see Pacific Rim in 3D as the reviews were glowing and a couple of our friends raved about it.

We were mildly surprised to find an almost empty theatre when we walked in.  We thought it would be packed considering how well it was doing but it was great to be able to choose where we wanted to sit.  We sat a couple of rows up and not too far from the aisle. The row below us and behind us were uninhabited.  Bonus!

While the previews were rolling, a young couple walked down the aisle in front of us looking for a seat.  Come on guys! Go farther away!  I would like to put my feet up on the back of this chair once the movie starts so please wander off in search of better pasture. He apparently didn’t hear my thoughts sent his way or chose to ignore me.  They sat down right in front of us! The nerve…

Uh huh! They are getting up! There is a God and he’s right here in this place! Thank you father for hearing my prayers.  The couple decided immediately upon sitting down, that being in front of us was not the best place for them.  They stood up, surveyed the expanse of the room then the geeky boyfriend pointed to some seats in our row.  Seriously buddy? My row? It’s our fricking anniversary here! Can’t we get some semblance of privacy just for a couple of hours?  Again, they ignored my mental pleas.

They decided it would be faster to just jump over the chairs and so they did.  Only one seat separated us from these squatters.   But they weren’t done.  They still weren’t happy. Not close enough, apparently.

We heard geeky boyfriend say to his girlfriend, “Move down.” My wife and I looked at each other.  Are you trying to get her to sit in our laps? Are you going for a swinging thing here son?  I’m all in but here’s not the place.  See us in the parking lot after but in the meantime, beat it and leave us alone!  His girlfriend ignored his request so he leapfrogged her and now he’s sitting hip to hip with my wife. Perfect!

If you had walked into that mostly empty theatre, you would have concluded that we came together.  (No, not that kind of ‘came’.  Stop thinking dirty!).  We looked like two couples that came out on a double date except they were geeky but cool couples sometimes have geeky couple friends, right?  Do you?

I am not sure what made these folks cuddle up to us like that.  We weren’t exactly sitting in prime seats or anything but here they were, crowding our personal space like an unwanted kid.  My wife later said she should have farted.

Young fella, if you and your little missus are reading this, what’s up with that, bro?

but got this

but got this

 

Excuse Me Hon, Can I Lick You There?

Hmmm...I love you so so much!

Hmmm…I love you so so much!

Man this world is getting weirder and freaker by the day.  Open up your browser and you don’t have to look far to read about some zany craze that is sweeping the globe.  Planking, Owling, Cinnamon Challenge, Gangnam, Eyeball licking…Yes, eyeball licking is the next big thing among teens.  It originated in Japan but is quickly spreading to other countries.  As if kissing or having sex wasn’t good enough to let your partner know that you loved them, you now have to lick their eyeballs to really send the message.  Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good licking of the eyes.  Man, we have really come a long way…

Now, if you are like me you are probably wondering, “Who came up with this crap?”  Some kid sitting there watching tv with his girlfriend just thought to himself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my gf would say if I licked her eyeballs?  Hey babes, want me to lick your eyeballs? I would be gentle if it’s your first time.”  She would have to reply in the affirmative for this dumb craze to take off.  So her response would be something like, “Well to be honest, I have been licked by Jeff from the basketball team and Tony, the quarterback.  My friend Melissa licked me once too.  So sure, like my eyeballs, babes.”  And the rest is history.

Kids sitting around the corners in the hallway like squeegee kids ready to lick some teenaged eyeballs?  Seriously folks, life as we know it is fast disappearing.  We are doomed. Smarts are scarce.  Get beamed up if you can! But hurry!

And as if parents didn’t have enough to worry about, now instead of telling our  daughters to keep their legs closed, we have to tell them to keep their damn eyes closed now too?  Who wants to see their kid being someone’s eye candy?

Note:  Eyeball licking has been known to spread diseases including herpes and conjunctivitis.

OMG!! She really loves me!

OMG!! She really loves me!