Turning 50 Shades

It’s here! Final Fricking Ly!  50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.

The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!

What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure.  No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair.  I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…

So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation.  Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.

 

Tears Of A Clown

Tears of a Clown (album)

Tears of a Clown (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

About two months ago, I drafted this post, or at least the topic. I fully intended to published it but because of its seriousness, it never made it past the topic.  I did, however, kept it in my drafts awaiting the right time.  Today is that time.

Now the reason why I even thought of such a brooding topic in sharp contrast to what this blog is about, was that I happened to be going through a dark period, albeit short, where I was funny on the outside but really sad and gloomy inside. I was wearing a painted on smile, like a clown.  Don’t ask me why as I really don’t have a reason.  Call it midlife crisis?

Why is today a good day to undraft this blog?  Well today, a man who portrayed the epitome of fun and laughter died.  Robin Williams was the guy whose movies you wanted to watch when you were in a funk.  His face alone would make you feel that all was well with the world.  The fact that someone like him who stood for funny and carefree and  gave off such an aura of well-being, could have so much darkness inside that made him take his own life, is incredible and hard to grasp.

Sometimes a clown cries beneath his mask…RIP Robin Williams.

Robin Williams Canada

Robin Williams Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday Folly: Game Of Thrones Observations.

Game of Thrones (soundtrack)

Game of Thrones (soundtrack) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My wife and I enjoy watching Games Of Thrones.  For different reasons obviously.  I like the nudity and hot chicks and she loves the storyline.  Nah, just kidding, we love it for the same reasons, we both like the nudity and hot chicks.  Just kidding with you again! lol…Jeez, what does a blogger have to do to get some cheap laughs around here? My wife and I both love the darn show for all that it brings to the table.  Storyline, nudity, beheadings, spoiled brats, we love it!  Did I mention the nudity and hot chicks?

So far I, or should I say we, have noticed that every set of breasts that have been exposed have been nice and perky.  No half-fallen boobs here. No saggy tits as the piggish men would say. Weird. Not that I’m, I meant we, are complaining, mind you. Oh, was that a spoiler for those who haven’t watched it yet? Sorry. Now you know. There are boobs and hotties. Sometimes together.

Ok, I am done sounding like a sex-starved idiot. On a more serious note, that brat King Joffrey, doesn’t he remind you of Justin Bieber? He sure does. What else can I say without spoiling it for you? I might have to re-watch it again too as I can’t keep up with all the splinter cells who want to sit on the iron throne.

The other night while watching a scintillating scene, my wife and I started to give in to temptations, only to be jolted back to reality when the scene was interrupted by a gross and vivid beheading. Way to kill the mood. Talk about a headless moment…did you get that double entendre? headless = no head…Never you mind, over your head.

And there you have. Join us again next time for another observation on funnysideupandscrambled.

Wacky Wednesday: Fifty Shades Of What?

th-2Say what? They are planning on making a movie based on the book ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’?  Well I don’t know too much about that book except from what I got from peering over my wife’s shoulder as she read it.  Oh, and from the snippets of information she kept passing to me. (Like I care), Oh, and from those times I actually picked it up when she wasn’t home and skim-read it.  It was just porn in written form, that’s it that’s all.  Oh and badly written to boot.  What’s to make a movie of?  No! Of course I’m not jealous!  What’s there to be jealous of?  Mr. Grey?  Gimme a break, he’s fictitious! Who cares if that hunk Charlie Hunman (Jax from Sons of Anarchy), is cast to play  the role of the over-sexed Christian Grey? It’s still dumb! Good thing he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with this joke.

Ok, let’s pretend for a minute that I am a married middle-aged, sex-starved woman who ate the book up like a cop at a doughnut buffet.  I know it’s make belief but my mind has conjured up this larger-than-life picture of Christian.  He’s as hot as they come and he could fulfil my wildest sexual desire at anytime.  Oh yeah! Bring it on Mr. Grey! You hot hunk of burning love!  Now, how do I react to hearing that my favorite book of all time is coming to a theatre next to me?  Hmm, maybe I would be coming in a theatre next to you…Sorry for that juicy tidbit.

Ugh! ok, you can stop pretending now.  Back to reality here people! There are way better books out there that are way more movie worthy.  So why not them? Why this garbage? Sorry ladies, it. is. garbage.  Plain and simple. Nothing else. And no, for the last time, I AM NOT JEALOUS!!! If you ask me, it’s just a cheap reason for housewives to read and watch porn without the guilt.  And you dare call me a dirty man for reading Hustler and Playboy? (For the records, I don’t).

th-4

I’ll let  you in on a little secret, there are way better erotic movies out there that can get your juices flowing, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, just last week, me and the wife rented a movie called…wait a minute! It’s none of your business.

Lindsay Lohan, the shy virgin

Lindsay Lohan at Calvin Klein Spring 2007 Fash...

It’s not coming off, unless…

Awww…Lindsay is sooo cute!  While recently filming a sex scene, she got rather uncomfortable, I’m sure we could all understand why, given her uncheckered past and all.  She just couldn’t handle being topless in front of ogling eyes.  Know what she did to cope with this embarrassing situation? She asked the entire male production clue to go topless as well.  Talk about picturing everyone naked as a way to beat the the jitters.  When you have money, there’s no need to use your imagination, you get the real thing.

When I said I could understand it, I was lying.  I can’t understand why someone whose most intimate parts are splashed all over the internet, would have qualms about doing a topless scene for a movie to boot.  (Apparently, when she did the movie ‘Machete’ rumors had it that she was nude for most of the filming).  So I really don’t understand this sudden coyness.  Who is she trying to impress?

Note:  After I wrote the above, I did some more digging into this story and found out that Lindsay Lohan was not embarrassed by the fact that she was topless but the fact that she still had her bottoms on.  According to her, she was not ‘used to being partially nude’.  Phew! That makes it more digestible.  Thanks for clearing that up, Linz.  Oh, she also added, ‘Seeing the men in just their boxers was like viagra to me and totally prepped me for my part’.  You go girl! Polish up that Oscar for Lindsay.

Just for the records, Linz starred sans clothing in Playboy, Machete, The Last Sitting (As a nude Marilyn Munroe), and various ‘leaked’ nude vids and pics on the internet.

Oh Lindsay…