Are you dressing inappropriately?

I am going to Disney Land!

A few weeks ago, while downtown, I happened to be walking behind a couple of ‘well-dressed’ women out for night of party.  As they walked, their hands were busy trying to keep their much-too-short dresses that looked more like a shirt, from giving passers-by an accidental sneak peak.  Fortunately for them, they were successful.  Unfortunately for them, their luck didn’t hold when it came to their shoes.

These women were wearing shoes with stilt-like heels.  All of a sudden, one of them had an ankle that decided it wanted to get closer to the ground.  The young woman wanted none of that and fought to resist this upstarted ankle.  She over corrected and next thing you know, she is fighting with both ankles, stumbling like a drunken sailor, this way and that until she finally got within arm’s reach of a railing which she hung on to for dear life. Not to be outdone, her friend’s ankles decided to do the same thing and she too ended up sharing the railing with her friend. A smile creased my face as I walked past them, fighting the urge to laugh out loud.

That was the consequences of dressing inappropriately.  These women were dressed to look good, and they did, but it was came at a price.  Apparently, they had no clue that they were dressed inappropriate so I came up with some points for those of you who might be dressing inappropriately but have no idea.

If you spend your fun night out pulling the hem of your skirt or dress down, you are dressed inappropriately. Go change.

If you walk around as though about to fall on your face because you just had to buy those 6″ high heels, you are dressed inappropriately.  Watch the video below.

Those 80’s high waisted shorts are back in!  The ones that go way up pass your belly button.  Well if your belly button is hogging the covers more than your butt cheeks, then maybe you are also dressed inappropriately? You think? Doesn’t matter what I think!

Talking about shorts, if yours are so short that the underside of your butt winks at me as you walk by, what do think?  It doesn’t matter if I wink back!

If there’s no beach in sight for miles, yet you are dressed in a nice sexy 2-piece bathing suit and walking around the town, then yup, you look good but inappropriate.  Let’s call it inappropriate sexiness. Like that racist joke you heard at work, sounded good but so inappropriate.  A friend of mine on a recent trip to Disney, asked the question on Facebook if it was right for young, I mean really young, girls to walk around the beach in Disneyland wearing thongs. You tell me.

If there’s a beach close by but you saw it fit to wander off in your new thongs and mingle with families just out for a stroll, then maybe you are dressed inappropriately.  It doesn’t matter if I like it. 

Last winter, I saw a lot of young women wearing house slippers outside, even with snow on the ground.  That has to be a mental thing but it’s still inappropriate!  I don’t care if it’s warm and comfy!

Bearpaw Loki II Women  Round Toe Leather Brown Scuffs Slippers Shoesimage

You are not in bed but at the mall yet you are clad in your cotton flannel pajama pants.  (And house slippers!) Definitely inappropriate. Go back to bed!

If your OUTERwear is getting more air time than your UNDERwear, you just might be dressed inappropriately.  Doesn’t matter if I like it!

If none of the above applies to you but  your 12-year old daughter is guilty, then tell her nicely that she’s dressing inappropriately.

Talking about daughter, if you and your daughter fight over who gets to wear what, then let her have it, it’s inappropriate for you anyways.

There’s a time and a place for everything, even your inappropriate attire, it’s  in October and it’s called Halloween.

But again, maybe I’m just out of touch with the times…

 

 

Where Were They When…? So Not Fair!

Megan Mahoney in her team photo from Wagner College.

When I were a little horn dog, experiencing puberty and mentally humping everything in skirts, where were those perverted but sexy female teachers who prey on their students? Like the one here. So not fair!

Where were those understanding teachers who see past their students failures and ineptitude and see them as just needing to be held and to be loved? You know what I’m talking about, those teachers who have never heard the word ‘fail’. So not fair!

Those anti-bullying laws, where were they when I…you got the point, and it’s so not fair!

Yoga pants, scantily clad girls, gadgets, cool parents who give allowances and let you drive their cars, LGBT acceptance, Fifty Shades Of Grey, talentless singers, easily-accessible porn…where the heck were they back in my day?

Yep, it’s so not fair!

 

Turning 50 Shades

It’s here! Final Fricking Ly!  50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.

The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!

What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure.  No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair.  I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…

So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation.  Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.

 

Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.

Free The Nipple! Yes You Can!

This is a photograph of one's nipple.

This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world.  Now there is another freedom chant.  It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple.  Women need freedom, one nipple at a time.  No more incarcerated nips!

Now I totally understand how these women feel.  Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup!  A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free.  I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it.  Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies!  By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”

Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?

Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????

Friday Folly: Threesome With Teachers, A Boy’s Dream

A couple of decent-looking Teachers were arrested for having a threesome with a 16 year-old male student after watching Friday night football.  Maybe he was tricked into going over to their house for some private lessons. Maybe it wasn’t a trick, maybe it really was private lessons. Maybe they were working on his linguistic ability. So many maybes.

This was wrong on all counts. So wrong! Wrong for these adults to have sexual encounters with a minor and wrong for this damn kid to be so damn lucky!  I had a crush on my hot English teacher in high school but not once did I even entertain the thought of having a threesome with her and say my history teacher.  In fact I had no clue what a threesome was at 16 years old.  Had I known then what I know now…

Back to the story, apparently all this hanky panky happened after watching NFL Friday Night Football. Not sure how that ties in but it did.  I am thinking that he didn’t  quarterback this arrangement. As can be expected, the boy had some problems keeping this err..uhm, lucky break, under wraps and blabbed to his friends about his accomplishment and that’s how it was made known.  As if any 16 year-old would ever keep something like that a secret!

All I can say at this time is Bad teachers! and You lucky ass!

 

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Shocker! ‘Dating Naked’ Contestant Private Parts Revealed!!

The Dating Game

The Dating Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well if this isn’t a good reason to sue, then tell me what is.  A female contestant on the show, ‘Dating Naked’, is suing producers.  Guess why? Because they showed her nude. Yep, they showed her va jay jay on tv!  The nerve of these producers! What were they thinking? Who does that?  Anything to get some cash…

Apparently, Jessie Nizewitz was frolicking in the buff with her also naked date when an uncensored shot of her crotch was shown. Inadvertently? Cash grab? She was putting a wrestling move on her date, if you must know. If you also must know, as soon as I’m done here, I’m going to scour the internet in search of this crotch shot wrestling move.

To compound matters, Jessie has also reported that her boyfriend, yes she does have a boyfriend. Don’t ask me what she was doing on the show frolicking naked with another guy while her bf was sitting at home playing the organ.  oh yeah, where was I? She said he hasn’t called her since her crotch was aired live and unedited.  Why wouldn’t he call? Don’t worry Jess, his lost. I don’t think he was ready for your jelly. Show him again what he missed.

Ok, gotta run. How do I search for…nevermind.

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Game Of Thrones Observations.

Game of Thrones (soundtrack)

Game of Thrones (soundtrack) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My wife and I enjoy watching Games Of Thrones.  For different reasons obviously.  I like the nudity and hot chicks and she loves the storyline.  Nah, just kidding, we love it for the same reasons, we both like the nudity and hot chicks.  Just kidding with you again! lol…Jeez, what does a blogger have to do to get some cheap laughs around here? My wife and I both love the darn show for all that it brings to the table.  Storyline, nudity, beheadings, spoiled brats, we love it!  Did I mention the nudity and hot chicks?

So far I, or should I say we, have noticed that every set of breasts that have been exposed have been nice and perky.  No half-fallen boobs here. No saggy tits as the piggish men would say. Weird. Not that I’m, I meant we, are complaining, mind you. Oh, was that a spoiler for those who haven’t watched it yet? Sorry. Now you know. There are boobs and hotties. Sometimes together.

Ok, I am done sounding like a sex-starved idiot. On a more serious note, that brat King Joffrey, doesn’t he remind you of Justin Bieber? He sure does. What else can I say without spoiling it for you? I might have to re-watch it again too as I can’t keep up with all the splinter cells who want to sit on the iron throne.

The other night while watching a scintillating scene, my wife and I started to give in to temptations, only to be jolted back to reality when the scene was interrupted by a gross and vivid beheading. Way to kill the mood. Talk about a headless moment…did you get that double entendre? headless = no head…Never you mind, over your head.

And there you have. Join us again next time for another observation on funnysideupandscrambled.

No More Sex!

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself.  I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature.  Accidentally of course.

When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed.  If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.”  Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow.  No more alluding to sex.  No porny talk.  Family friendly here I come!  Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!

So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration.  If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own.  Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it.  The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.

To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me.  As you can see, even more important than sex.

So, what do you want to talk about?

Accidental Porn

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while.  It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com.  (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet).  Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room.  It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.

From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind.  I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.

I am a self-confessed ass-man.  I love butts.  Female butts.  I worship butts.  I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same.  If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today.  You would have loved it.” And she would be right.  I would have loved it indeed.  It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex.  I like nice butts and I cannot lie.

Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins.  Sorry Katie, it’s not you.  I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn.  I didn’t think so at all.  Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously!  Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted.  Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even.  I even read it a few times over to make sure.  Nope.   Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Cold as a dead herring.

Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature.  She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be.  Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’?