Friday Folly: Don’t Patronize Me, Doc. And Get Your Hand Outta There!

thI was ready for him when he walked into the room.  “Hi, nice to see you.”  He says.  “I wish I could say the same but I’m not happy to see you.” Was my rehearsed response.  He laughed but I was serious.  If the doctor only knew what was going through my mind…

Seriously doc, I am here for you to  give me a cortisone shot in my shoulder with a big ass needle, should I be happy to see you?  No.  And you shouldn’t be either.  Come to think of it doc, I should never ever be happy to see you.  Ever!  You stick your hand up my butt while fondling my nuts for goodness sake! How disgustingly embarrassing and humiliating is that? Well unless you are into that sort of thing…Then you would be indeed happy to see me.  What? You said it’s not your hand?  Well pardon me for being a tight ass but it sure does feel like your hand.  And you never grab my scrotum while you are inside me?   Doc, please don’t say ‘inside me’.  That’s just wrong.  Makes me cringe.  And you are right, manipulating my balls while digitally testing my anus just seem a bit creepy and unmedicinal.

When you look or peer into my eyes with that gadgety thingy, does your face, especially your mouth, have to be that close to mine?  Seriously? It makes me rather uncomfortable.  What if our lips brushed?  Let me tell you, I would be traumatized for life.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Two men’s lips brushing, that is, not the peering into eyes.  

As you can tell, I am really not too fond of our meetings.  I actually come on my wife’s insistence.   Doc, why do you insist on talking to me while taking my blood pressure? You ask me questions while looking down my throat.  News flash!  I can’t answer you except to make alien-like sounds.  Why don’t you tell me about your family instead?  Actually don’t.  I am quite fine with the silence so don’t feel compelled to start a conversation. Let’s just get this over with as quickly and painless as we can. Dispense with the patronizing chatter. 

Oh, last time you groped my sack, you said you couldn’t feel my nuts and was worried.  Don’t be worried.  My nuts recoiled when you touch me down there.  I recoil too but you never notice. Just like how I clinch my butt cheeks when you try to invade it.  My balls  turtle on you doc!  They recoil somewhere up into my stomach in embarrassment and humiliation.

If the next time you stick your appendage in my exit, I go, “Oooh yeah! That feels good, doc.”  Would you still be happy to see me?

More Friday Follies:

Friday Folly:  World Naked Bike Ride 2013

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Grammy Backlash

thDid you happen to catch the Grammy awards last night?  I did.  It wasn’t a blast or anything special but it also wasn’t a total waste of my time either.  I noticed that the stars took their memo seriously and did not show the underside of their breasts or buttocks.  Jlo flashed some sexy legs, Katy Perry I am sure was smuggling mini soccer balls disguised as breasts and Kelly Rowland of Destiny Child’s fame wore a teasing dress that revealed much but revealed little.  Is that the underside of a boob? No. Yes. No.  Oh heck, who cares? She looked hot, at least in my opinion. But other than those, the usual suspects like Rihanna et al, were modestly dressed.  What’s this world coming to?  See some great pics here.  (No seriously, check it out).

Hmm…Good old Prince showed up, looking very much like…Prince?  Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, my favorite country couple, were there looking very much in love.  I didn’t notice as I wasn’t wearing my tv glasses but I read online that she had braces on. ‘Faith Hill Rocks Braces!’.  Screamed the headlines.  Seriously folks, I don’t care who you are, no one rocks braces.  You either look geeky or you look not bad but rocking them? No. That’s how weird and wacky fashion trends are started.  Rocked braces…gimme a break.  If she went naked would she have ‘rocked the naked look’?  Ok, bad example but you get the point, right?

I heard that Carrie Underwood wore a $31 million necklace.  Too bad I couldn’t tell.  Could you?  It looked like a regular necklace to me.  Wait a minute, I didn’t even notice that she was wearing a necklace.

The performances were not too bad.  Did you happen to catch Carrie Underwood’s jumbotron dress? Kinda neat, kinda cheesy.  Most of the acts were, as they say on American Idol, safe.  Nothing special.  I was excited to hear that there was going to be a Bob Marley tribute song but was put off and disappointed by what I got.  I guess as a big fan of reggae music, I had my expectations set too high.  It’s not like they were going to drop some serious hardcore Bob…

I saw in the news that Taylor Swift may have taken a shot at her ex, Harry Styles, in her opening song, Here.  What else is new with this chick? Her schtick is getting old fast.  So much talent wasted on drama songs.  Come on Taylor, this ain’t high school.  Welcome to the real world of hump and dump.

Oh before I go, I should mention something about the actual award recipients shouldn’t I?  After all that’s what it’s all about.  Once again, I had to keep checking google to see who some of the nominees and winners were.  How could they win when nobody knows who they are? Maybe I need to watch more MTV.  

And what the heck was Adele wearing?  If my granny old couch grew pale legs and showed up at the awards, that’s what it would look like.  Beautiful voice, beautiful gal, gawd awful dress.

You just want to sit on her, don't you?

You just want to sit on her, don’t you?

Monday Musing: The Work Week

th3Are you starting a new office job or new at your current one?  Well there are some things you must know that your co-workers would not tell you.  They never told me and I had to figure it out all my own.  The thing is, your co-workers like slacking off but they hate to see others slacking off. So without further ado, I am going to explain to you newbies what a typical office work week is all about so you can plan your work accordingly and be better at time management. Read and learn.

Monday – No one, not even the boss, expects much out of you.  It’s Monday, you are supposed to be tired or even hungover.  Take it slow.  There’s always Tuesday. Your excuse for screwing something up, “It’s Monday, what do you expect?”  So mope around the office and let everyone know it’s Monday and how much you hate it, or just hang out at the water cooler like everyone else.

Tuesday – Tuesday is the day when you are expected to do some work.  The hangover excuse won’t cut it so don’t even try that.  It could very well be your most productive work day of the week. Grin and bear it.

Wednesday – Better known as Hump Day.  This sounds like a holiday, doesn’t it?  If it has a name, it’s a holiday.  Sort of.  So who ever feels like working on a holiday?  Everyone tells everyone, “Happy Hump day!  Do you know it’s hump day today?”  It’s all downhill from Wednesday.

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Thursday – Aha! Friday eve.  “Tomorrow is finally Friday.”  You will hear that a lot.  Thursday is your second most productive day.  You try to finish as much as possible in anticipation for Friday and the weekend.  Plus, you need to catch up on stuff you didn’t get done on the holiday  humpday.

Friday – Need I say anything?  In the summer with a perfect weather outside, your employers might as well shut the place down as nothing is getting done today.  The water cooler gets a workout and the talk is about who has what plans for the weekend.  If you weren’t from earth, you would think it was the first weekend us earthlings are experiencing.”Yay! It’s Friday!  TGIF!” It doesn’t matter that you were a lazy ass for most of the week.  Friday is your day to brag how hard a week it was.  Because the bosses are all out golfing, you think it’s great reason to take off early too. It is.  Whatever is on your desk can wait until Monday.  Happy Friday!

th2

 

Disclaimer:  The writer holds no responsibility for any disciplinary actions that may occur due to your compliance to the above.

What Facebook Statuses,Comments And Likes Really Mean

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

So Beverly is having relationship issues.  Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage.  After first crying on her bff’s shoulder,  she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*.  That’s it, that’s all.  Just ‘sigh’.  Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon.  Hugs. We should go drinking soon.”  Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments.  What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you.  Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars.  My mom thinks you are a whore.”

Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way.  Nice friend.

Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah  you,  got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on  your status. “Got a big promotion at work!  Woot! Woot!”  Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents.  “Yeah buddy! Congrats!”  He works with you so what he is really  saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy.  Asshole!”  Nice friend.

“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response.  Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby??  Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning?  Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.

Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica.  Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.”  Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic.  What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter.  My husband is boring and he’s getting fat.  At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.

The people who clicked on the  ‘like’ button are actually thinking,  “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone?  Is Hubby that boring?” or  “Fun my ass!  Wait a minute!  Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.”  Nice friend.

Last scenario.  Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims.  “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status.  Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference.  Do you think her other friends can because their comments are,  “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!”  Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.”  Or even, “What??  You lost 10 pounds my ass!

Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough.  Mike, uploads a photo of himself.  He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling.  Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.”  and “Cute pic.”  No one would actually say what they are really thinking.  “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that.  Not looking good buddy.”  Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up.  You look like Grizzly Adams.”

Disclaimer:  The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook.  Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.

The blog that got away

Writing

This one will knock their socks off!

I am not trying anymore.  To write a killer blog, that is.  You see, I have written, as Saddam Hussein would have called it, the mother of all blogs.  The pièce de résistance, the crème de la crème. And what do I have to show for it?  Nothing. Zilch. Nada.  No appreciation. No recognition.  In fact, my hurriedly written pieces have garnered more respect.

To be honest, I can’t remember what blog it was but I know when I was  done writing, I had this sense of accomplishment and thought, “This is good stuff.  People are going to love it.  Freshly Pressable for sure.”   I had all my ducks line up.  My T’s were crossed and my I’s dotted.  The topic was fresh and applicable and the delivery delivered like a professional writer.  At least in my opinion.  Yep, this was the one.

I clicked ‘Publish’ and waited.  And waited.  And waited...If I write it they will come, right? Well I wrote it so why weren’t they coming? I kept checking for that bright orange star signifying that I had received a ‘like’.  It stayed grey. At the end of the day, it had one view.  One view! My dream blog.  My masterpiece, only viewed once!  A virtual slap in the face! How embarrassing!  Damn waste of my time and mind!  I should quit blogging!

Now as I keep blogging, I wonder if I could ever come close to matching the blog that got away, the one you didn’t read.  The one with the one view and no stars.  Like I said,  I am not sure which blog I remember it being a dandy.

So let me ask you, have you ever written such a blog?  One that you seriously thought was one of your better work and then watched as it went by relatively unnoticed?  Which blog was it? I’ll go check it out right now.  In the meantime, go take a gander at my masterpiece.  It’s in there somewhere.

American idles

Do you follow American Idol?  Or as I like to call it, Idle Americans.  If you do or did, you would have heard that they are swapping crazies.  First they had the loopy Paula Abdul who looked as though she was fighting to concentrate on what was happening around her.  Paula is long gone but for the next installment, they have signed on another crazy, Mariah Carey.  At least she doesn’t have to pretend to be off her rocker.

I love Mariah.  She is my favorite female singer out there.  She has pipes to die for but we all know that she’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Oh nevermind, she’s not gay. Or is she? who knows these days…

Apparently when they were looking for someone to fill the role, she kept jumping and yelling ‘MIMI!’.  Not sure how much truth that has so I won’t go sharing it if I were you.

Good luck to Mariah on this new venture and goodbye to American Idol.   Now where is my remote?

 

Related:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/23/mariah-carey-american-idol-season-12_n_1695932.html

Hello world!

Hey you, yeah you there.  Wondering what the heck this blog site is about?  Well it’s basically me giving a funny slant to serious stuff.   If it’s too darn serious, don’t worry, I will put the funny into it and make it easily digestible.

See you around! Oh, and if you are smart like I think you are, you will follow me now while you still have a chance.  I am capping it at 500,000 followers, so hurry!

One more thing, let’s establish a basic rule here.  This is and always will be, my blog, not yours or his or hers, mine.  You can critique my content all you want but don’t tell me how I should or should not write.

Comments are greatly appreciated. I have no friends and crave interaction.