Don’t you just hate it? You are all warm and cozy and enjoying your sleep like good sex, you reach down to pull the receding blankets up to your shoulders and as you do, the darn alarm goes off! A pre-mature ejaculation of epic proportions! You thought you were in the middle of the best sleep of your life but unknowingly, it was about to end abruptly. No warning. Just Beep! Beep! Beep!…
Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself. I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature. Accidentally of course.
When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed. If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.” Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow. No more alluding to sex. No porny talk. Family friendly here I come! Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!
So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration. If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own. Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it. The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.
To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me. As you can see, even more important than sex.
So, what do you want to talk about?
This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while. It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com. (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet). Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room. It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.
From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind. I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.
I am a self-confessed ass-man. I love butts. Female butts. I worship butts. I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same. If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today. You would have loved it.” And she would be right. I would have loved it indeed. It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex. I like nice butts and I cannot lie.
Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins. Sorry Katie, it’s not you. I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn. I didn’t think so at all. Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously! Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted. Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even. I even read it a few times over to make sure. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Cold as a dead herring.
Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature. She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be. Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’?
Have you been experiencing some problems with remembering stuff like where you put your keys or your favorite websites? Then you could be watching too much internet porn. Not sure how much is too much but it can cause you memory loss.
Why just internet porn? I have no idea. I can watch all the porn I want on TV but not on the internet? I think the networks and television people are trying to sabotage the internet people. ‘Stop watching cheap internet porn and rent a real porno flick tonight’ could be the hidden message here. Somebody is trying to screw somebody, folks. (Not that way you sick bastards!)
Back to the memory thing, how does watching a couple go at it on the internet make one lose their memory? Hey, I just had a thought, what if you were to stream it to your tv? Would it still have the same effect? Would it still be considered internet porn? If so, I think I just came up with something big! Check this out: WANT TO WATCH INTERNET PORN WITHOUT SUFFERING FROM MEMORY LOSS? THIS LITTLE GADGET WILL STREAM ALL YOUR PORN STRAIGHT TO YOUR TV FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT. CALL NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN REMEMBER THE NUMBER. I can invent a device that is made specifically to stream porn from your internet to your tv! I know there are already such devices but so what? Maybe I can call it the PornStreamer or something like that. Today, I pronounce myself a genius!
Anyways, internet porn is a bit more convenient to watch. That’s what I heard. I heard it’s better in that you can take your laptop or internet ready device with you to the bathroom or any place you would like to be to alone. I heard it that it really sucks to watch it when you are distracted or regularly interrupted. I heard lots of stuff. I got lots of friends.
I won’t be around for a while because I have a bunch of stuff to catch up with. No, not
internet porn. You wish! I still have Christmas shopping to do, house to clean, drinks to make and all those fun stuff. I am sure when I return, most of you would not remember me but still, Have yourself a wonderful Christmas, if you can remember what that is…
- Internet Porn Eats Away at Your Soul. You Know it, Don’t You? (porn-no-more.com)
- South Korea declares war against Internet porn (dottech.org)
- Who us making sure that everyone has access to free Internet porn and why? (lunaticoutpost.com)
If I deceived you with the topic of this blog, I am sorry. There will be no porn here, well sort of. You see, the thing is, I noticed that of all the darn blogs I wrote, the two that got the most likes were on Porn, read here and Blogging, read here. So I gather that in order for me to duplicate this huge and historic success, I would have to write about porn and about blogging, hence the topic.
Here’s the porn side of things, a few days ago, I got an email in my hotmail junk folder. At first it sounded like someone I knew so I read it a few times. Then I realized it was a new strategy designed to get the mail recipient to visit a person’s porn website. Here is the email and no, I did not visit her site but you could or would.
BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?
In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit
on facebook and then I think u deleted me 😦 haha.. anyways guess what…
I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me
and my bf broke up about 3 months ago… and 2) guess where im moving?
RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol… ur actually the only person im gonna know
there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..
I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted
to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping
this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore
i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in…are u still on facebook?
i coudnt find ui was soo confused…anyways im gonna need someone to show
me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe…
i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..and i thoguth u were
cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol…ok so more info about
me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv
her to death… uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont
admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah…who doesnt..
I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the
fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna
chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when
i get there..
id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that…really anythgin cause my current
job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i……???? ok WELLLL… and dont get all weirded out
on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA… BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh…anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol… i actually need
help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out….like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
ANYWAYS.. heres the deal….every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else… the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF… i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER… i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room…
if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U..
I TRUST U… im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan 😦 I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move… REALLY i mean that….anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha…k babe im out
for now… chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana
FREE VIP BYPASS LINK ------>> http://1932312368.s3-website-us-west-1.amazonaws.com/ And that's when I knew it was not legit. I did not click the link and you shouldn't too but if you feel the need...
Recently, while on a torrent site searching for a movie to download, I noticed a small chat window had opened up on my screen. In the video box, a young, scantily clad hussy was trying to get my attention. “Hey, I can see you there. Are you lonely tonight? Let’s chat”. What?! How did that happen? I swear I was not soliciting. How the heck can she even see me? I hastily checked my camera to made sure it was not accidentally turned on, then I did the right thing.
I clicked on the ‘close window’ button. I bet you thought I engaged her in conversation huh? If you did, thanks for thinking so highly of me. With a wife and three kids, it’s hard to be that lonely. Anyways, to my horror and surprise, another and much bigger window opened up as soon as I clicked ‘close’. They brought out the big guns this time. Upped the ante so to speak.
This new page had pics of various girls in inviting poses, wearing nothing but inviting smiles. Ok, so you want to play rough? I went to ‘window’, ‘close all’. ‘Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page?’ An option box asked me. You bet your ass I do! Right now, before my wife or kids come in the room! I again did the right thing and pressed ‘YES’. The window closed.
Now back to my torrent search. What the…? What’s this now? Instead of a torrent site, there was now a live chat girl sitting in front of her computer as natural as could be. She had that girl-next-door look and for a second I hesitated. Ok two seconds. Well maybe a minute or two, who’s counting? I just wanted to make sure she was real, yes she, not they. Then for what I hoped was the final time, I clicked ‘close’. This time there were no other window on my screen but my torrent window. I minimized it to make sure there were no more girls lurking behind my window ready to pounce on poor, innocent me.
Readers, all I wanted to do was download Aladin for my kids. I never expected to navigate through a porn field to get at it. So you be careful out there. Well unless you do enjoy a good porn on the cub. Ladies, don’t think you are exempt, there are hot black men hiding behind your window as we speak, wondering if you are lonely tonight and want to chat. Aha! I saw you look! I didn’t mean THAT window, you horn dog!