And in other news, a nun, yes a nun gave birth to baby without realizing that she was even pregnant. The nun along with the other nuns at the convent were amazed when she complained of stomach pains which turned out to actually be labor pain.
So tell me something, are nuns allowed to have sex now? If so, why not priests too? Or was she tricked into intercourse without realizing it was actually sex? I mean nuns are kinda gullible, right? So what if some guy went up to her and go, “Hey sister, this polar vortex thing is really getting to me. I am so cold that I need to plug in. Would you mind if I just er…slip my electrical cord into your outlet? It’s nothing, I do it all the time. It keeps my motor warm.” The gullible nun would probably reply, “Well…I don’t see why not. If it’s going to help you then sure. Now where’s my outlet? Ah, ooh, am I supposed to feel like this? Stay still brother, your cord is slipping out.”
Ok, I might need to say a few hail mary’s after that. It wasn’t nice. The poor nun was probably impregnated immaculately. What? That’s a bad joke too? Ok, tack on another Hail Mary to my to-do list. How about maybe the nun was pregnant before joining the convent? Happy now? Maybe I didn’t get the whole story. I just read ‘Unaware nun gives birth’ and I ran with it. The nun said she had no clue she was with child. Of course not, dear sister. Of course you wouldn’t. You probably thought it was just the holy spirit living in you, didn’t you? Another Hail Mary.
Do you buy it? Me? I’ll have nun of it. Oh, and one more thing, I heard that she named the child after Pope Francis. Awww, how cute! Don’t read too much into that, folks.
Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick. You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant? Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked. Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action. “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.
In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex! How could you be pregnant? Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation. “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper? A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you? Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”
So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision. Should I stay or should I go now? Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now? Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we? Oh yeah, piss.
But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question? Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers. I just throw out scenarios. Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy? What does she tell him then? That she lost baby Jeffery? “Oh yeah? You lost the baby? That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too. I lost my zeal to be with you also.” Then he’d probably say, “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too. At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.
Man, times they are a changing. Do you remember the good old days when it was not only acceptable but recommended for strangers to touch a woman’s belly when she was pregnant? No? hmm…It never was? Well anyways, did you know that women aren’t down with that anymore? I didn’t either. I thought it was still acceptable for strangers to get up close and personal with a woman they have never seen before. Are you sure it never used to be?
I found how the hard way yesterday while waiting at the bus stop. An obviously pregnant young lady sat beside me on the bench and I, being the nice person I am, decided to show her my feminine side. I put my ear to her stomach while placing a hand on top of her baby-filled stomach. No need to ask permission, everyone’s doing it. “Can’t hear the cute one yet. How far along are we?”
And that’s when everything exploded in a verbiage of insults. “What the eff are you doing? You effing creep! I am not pregnant! Are you calling me fat? Why are you touching me? Your sick mother effer! I should call the cops!” Plus taxes and handling.
I managed to stammer an unaccepted apology and ran away red-faced. There was no way I was going to sit in the same bus with that irate woman. Baby or no baby. Plus, I didn’t relish the idea of being dragged off a bus by the police for sexual harassment.
Ok, I admit, I am a chronic liar and the above story never took place. So what? It could very well have happened. So I hope you learned something from this. DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY WOMAN WITH A GUT IS PREGNANT. (You are welcome, Rihanna). AND IT IS NEVER POLITE TO RUB THE BELLY OF STRANGERS, PREGNANT OR OTHERWISE. THEY ARE NOT BUDDHAS.
Some women can be so sensitive when they are pregnant…
Well my blogging pal Katie, from sassandbalderdash.com, done went and done it! Yes I know, I said ‘done went and done it’. She did. Katydid! What she did? She went and upset poor Kim Kardashian! Serves you right, Katie! That’s what you get for blogging that everyone should leave Kim alone! Here. Kim got wind of it and she’s pissed! Excuse me, that’s ‘pissed’ with a capital ‘P’. She put the pee in pissed and we all know that girl is full of pee. Or is that something else? I dunno. Didn’t watch her entire amateur video.
Turns out that Ms. Kardashian of porn fame, does not want to be left alone. No sir/madam. After reading Katie’s blog, Kim responded with, “Hell no! I don’t want to be left alone! If I were left alone, do you think I’d be where I am today? Do I look like celeb material to you? Am I bursting with talent? NOO! Face it people, I got famous for the wrong reasons. You leave me alone and there goes my career, if you want to call it that.” At least her words were pregnant with truth. She further went on to add that Katie should stay out of her business and not try to help her. She would have said more but Kanye grabbed the microphone and added, “I just want to take the time to send a shout out to my favorite blogger out there. Eggman! What’s up bro? Yore shit’s da bomb man! You deserve to be Freshly Pressed!” Word, Kanye.
Sorry Katie, yes, making fun of anyone’s weight is bad news. Making fun of a pregnant woman’s weight is horrible. Fake pregnancy or not. As the saying goes, “Everyone’s pregnant until proven otherwise.” Or is that something else? Nevermind, who cares? It’s only Kim. She has opened up herself to everything. Not that way! I meant the way she…oh damn you people and your dirty minds...
Personally, I like Kim. She’s…errr…Who the hell is Kim??