Not Tonight Dear, I’ve Been Busting Hookers All Day.

Don't wait up, Hon.  It's gonna be a long night

Don’t wait up, Hon. It’s gonna be a long night

In Hawaii, it’s not only legal for the local constabulary to have sex with prostitutes but also a part of the arresting process.  Like dipping your dipstick to determine whether or not your oil needs changing.  Before they could make an arrest that can stand, they have to make doubly sure that the lady-of-the-night is indeed a…night walker?

Apparently there’s a waiting list of civilians of all ages wanting to get on the force.  There’s also a long list of policemen who are begging to be put on the hooker-busting beat.  Pick me! Pick me! One veteran was once overheard bragging to his buddies that he busted 10 hookers in one night!

As I blogged, this bit of luxury was being threatened as lawmakers seek to ban the practice of cops dipping their night sticks into hookers’ tank.  “You don’t have to taste an apple to make sure it’s an apple” They argued.  Well they probably didn’t but I’m saying they did.

The spoiled Hawaiian policemen are fighting back for their right to bear arms. Oops, sorry. Not their rights to bear arms, their rights to bust hookers by bedding them.  “Why not?” They argued. “How else could we be sure they would go all the way?” Cops insisted that they must be free not just to receive blowjobs and handjobs from prostitutes but also to engage in vaginal and anal intercourse with them.

I investigated…Ok, maybe I didn’t really investigate but I inquired.  Ok, didn’t do that either.  Well bug off and leave me alone already, I am trying to make a point here! I concluded, there, that’s a better choice of word. I concluded that there are no lineups for male cops wanting to test the gay male hookers for authenticity.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ok, enough wasting time, where do I sign up to bust hookers? Never mind, I can make citizens arrest, can’t I?

Me practicing my arresting procedure:  Uh, um, how much is it for your services, ma’am? Er, woman..Lady?

Hooker: $100 for the works?

Me: I’ll take it…yeah, the works.  Oh yeah baby! Oh baby! This feels sooo good! Oh gosh am I supposed to be enjoying this? Shit! I think I’m gonna…Yessss!  Sorry ma’am. You are under arrest.  Just let me clean up a bit here and you should also put some clothes on.  Oh by the way, you are good at what you do.

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

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Who Said Pimpin Ain’t Easy?

Pimp Jesus

Pimp Jesus (Photo credit: larrykang)

Well pimpin sure isn’t what it used to be.  Remember when they told us that ‘pimpin ain’t easy’ and made us believe that it was ‘cold out there for a pimp’?  Things have since changed or they lied to us.  Pimping is a piece of cake.  Heck, even a kid could do it.

You still don’t believe me? Well meet…nevermind, I can’t write her name as she’s underage. Heck, so are her employees. Yeah, I know.  You are thinking that if she could do the crime then she could face the music.  Tell that to the justice system.  Anyways, she was sentenced to three years for pimping, child porn and other sex-related offences normally associated with adults.  The kids are definitely taking over.  Or pimpin ain’t as hard as it once was.

As of this blog, I unearthed a few other cases of young girls who in true entrepreneurial spirit, have tried their hands at running a pimping business. Just google ‘Teen arrested for prostitution’ and you would see what I am talking about.  Teen pimps everywhere.  Forget teen moms, teen pimps are the next big thing.  Hide your kids, hide your wives, hell, hide your husbands too cause they are pimpin everybody out here!

It’s no longer cold out there for a pimp.  What’s up, Playa?

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Friday’s Folly: Pimpin Ain’t Easy, Especially When You Are Almost 80

thIf you are ever out and about in Englewood New Jersey and happen to hear, “Granny for sale! Old granny for sale!” as you pass by a senior citizens housing complex, don’t be too alarmed.  They are not exactly selling granny.  Just leasing her out for sexual gratification.  Popularly referred to as prostituting.  Or in street slang as ‘pimping granny’s ass out’.

In a seniors complex in Englewood, these aged ones are hardcore.  A 75-year old man provides prostitutes to his younger neighbours while a 66 year old woman puffs away on her crack pipe as she awaits her next John.  Talk about a crack who@e…Ladies and gents, welcome to the the real world where crazy is the new sane.  And you thought old people were a boring sort.  Think again.  I am having second thoughts about letting my mom move into a seniors block.

I realize there’s a niche for every sexual whim known to man and that includes sex with overly-riped women but hearing or imagining it makes me shudder.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the golden girls and I’m sure Betty White would get her share of clients if she…Ah, nevermind.

If you don’t believe me, you can go ahead and read the story right here.  And stay tuned for the next reality show ‘Granny’s Gone Wild’.  And if you are ever in that neck of the woods, please don’t touch granny’s crack.  Well unless you are paying for it…

I have also heard that Johns are asked, “Would that be with or without teeth?”

Topless Car wash Is For Wimps!

Car Wash

Car Wash (Photo credit: weelakeo)

Gosh! Am I ever gullible.  I always thought that the reason the guys driving clean vehicles were smiling was because driving a clean car is exciting.  Well fool me once…

Cops bust car wash for allegedly offering free sex after nine washes
By QMI Agency 

Some loyalty cards let you rack up points, but one business in Malaysia allegedly offered its customers something they could really use: free sex after nine car washes.

Police say they busted the car wash near Kuala Lumpur last week after discovering it had a partnership with a massage parlour, the Malay Mail reports.

They were tipped off when they raided the parlour and found the car wash cards on several alleged customers of prostitutes there.

“It was supposed to be just another routine operation,” Emmi Shah Fadhil, the officer in charge, told the paper.

“To get the extra ‘offer’ customers must send their cars for washing nine times within a certain period. The tenth car wash will entitle them to free sex,” Fadhil said, which would usually cost between 130 and 180 Malaysian ringgit (about $40-56).

Nine Vietnamese women, aged 18 to 28, were arrested on suspicion of prostitution. Four men suspected of running the scheme were also detained.

Topless car wash  has nothing on these folks! Don’t forget to get your card punched.
If you don’t believe me, read it here.