It’s Not Funny When There’s No TP!!

English: Toilet paper, orientation "under...

English: Toilet paper, orientation “under” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, reaching without thinking to the spot that I could navigate to with closed eyes.  My hands felt nothing.  Well nothing that felt like what I was reaching for.  My eyes flew opened. No!  At least there’s a backup.  My fingers reached up into the cavernous recess in search of the backup roll. Came up empty. Well not entirely.  I felt the cardboard rollers that once were embraced by two-ply toilet paper. Noooo! Just when I needed it most! What do I do now?

TP

Actual photo taken during down time

I sat there, in my work’s washroom, thinking about my next move. I will just hobble over to the other stall and grab some. I just hope I don’t get caught. Just when I was about to put my plan into action, the door opened.  Please just pee and leave, I thought to myself. But the intruder opened up the door to the vacant stall next to mine and made himself at home. While I waited, I browsed Facebook and Instagram.  I made myself at home too. My pants were still down to my ankle but my work in there was over. Long over.

After what seemed like an eternity, I heard rustling. The next door neighbor taunted me with the loud sound of toilet paper rolling over the holder.  Teasing me.  I shut out the sound. I will wait.

I followed him with my ear. Zipper up, belt tied, flushed.  Listened for the hygienic hand-washing then the sound of the door opening.  It was time! Like a prisoner hobbled by shackles but still trying to escape, I made my way to the next stall and the toilet paper that awaited me.  I prayed that no one would come in and no one did. I sat down, breathed a sigh of relief and helped myself to a generous amount of paper. A bum wipe never felt that good…

Monday Madness: Keep Your Head To Yourselfie.

The dreaded school head lice letter

The dreaded school head lice letter (Photo credit: ChezMummy)

 

Do you or someone you know take selfies?  Do you or someone you know have head lice?  How about this, are you a regular selfie taker who happen to also have head lice?  Maybe it’s not such a coincidence as you may thing.  It turns out that the two are connected.  How? Don’t ask silly questions. It’s plain as day. Let’s put our heads together on this one.  Oh actually, let’s not.

 

I read somewhere, probably here, that head lice is prevalent among selfie-taking taking teen girls.  This is due to girls putting their heads together when taking a photo of themselves.  No idea on how the other person got the lice in the first place but with my dirty mind, I’m thinking that perhaps their partner had pubic lice and…nevermind. Too much information.

 

Closer guys.

Closer guys.

 

So next time you decide to take a selfie with your bffs, make sure you know where your head is at all time and keep it to yourself.

 

 

 

 

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Weird And Random Thoughts On A Lunch Stroll

imagesI started walking on my lunch breaks to get away from my desk and get some much-needed exercise.  It is going great! Kinda lonely, but I have my thoughts to keep me company.  I found that some of these thoughts were strange, weird, random and on the crazy side.   Here are yesterday’s thoughts from my stroll…

Great day for walking.  I will do about an hour today.  Should I put my cell in my pocket or hold it in my hand?  Ok, pocket it is.  Nah, hand is better.  Looks cooler.  Car keys in other hand.  Now we are good to go. Hey!  That blonde just checked me out!  And another! And another!  I must look not-too-bad.  Shit! Did I remember to suck my gut in and square my shoulders?  Can’t remember.  Look at the legs/ass on that girl in the shorts…oh nevermind, just some teenie girl trying to look older than she is.  What’s with these young girls today?  Should I turn here? No, go on a bit more. It’s still early into the walk.  Here is perfect!  Where the heck am I?  Holy shit! I walked far! I still have to get back to my car. Uh huh…I want to go poo pee bad!

I have been walking behind this lady now for the last 20 minutes.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m following her.  I am dressed for styling/work, not walking.  I must look idiotic.  Oh swing those arms! Look like you are walking! You are passing by a school!  You don’t want to be mistaken for a pervert.  Let them know you are just getting your exercise in.  What’s this world coming to anyways?  A grown man can’t casually stroll by a school without feeling self-conscious?  Ok, I am done with this walking.

Why is that woman sitting on the grass?  Why is that girl lying on the grass? Reading or texting?  Must be texting, young people don’t read anymore.  I seriously want to pee but I just need to get back to my car and get to work. I can pee there.  I should pee behind that tree but with my luck, that blogger chick who blogged about seeing too many penises would see mine and blog about it.  I.am.seriously.done.

How come I’m the only idiot walking anyways?  So many people yet I’m the only exerciser? Nice bike in that yard. I wonder what they would do if I just took it and ride away…Ok, where the hell is my car?  It’s almost an hour! I always do this crap.  Go walking and forget that I have to walk back.  Oh, there it is, just a block away…finally! Now to go back to work and blog about it.

 

The Mysterious Woman At The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant

IMG00074-20100801-1906Everyone at The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant turned to look.  Some stared without apology.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I looked up casually and went back to my work.  I was perched on a weathered looking chair at a crooked and unpainted table in a corner of the coffee shop area.  From my vantage point, I could see who was entering or leaving and that’s how I saw her enter.  I was on a mission and couldn’t be derailed by the sight of a woman.  I was intent on writing THAT blog.  The big one.  The one that would get my name up there with the pros. This woman would not rob me of this opportunity!

The Freshly Pressed Coffee Shop and Restaurant is far from being an upscale restaurant.  The decor is limited and consists of wooden tables covered by white and cheap looking tablecloths.  The chairs are not comfortable.  Hardwood floors looked ready for a makeover. In fact, the entire restaurant screamed for a makeover.  With its dimly lit interior, you really needed the coffee to keep you awake, unless you kept awake by blogging about something interesting.  The lingering aroma of every different blend of coffee hangs in the air mixed with whatever food was hot out of the kitchen.  Despite what it didn’t have going for it, it was invitingly warm and cozy and the atmosphere was very welcoming.  It had a homely feel to it and that’s why I chose to blog here.  It was my Eden.  My little niche was situated in the farthest and darkest corner.  From my vantage point, I could the comings and goings but usually don’t.

From the corner of my eye I saw the woman make a bee line for the table right next to mine.  I smelled her perfume before she was close enough to fully drink her in.  Liz Taylor perfume? No, too young. She was only about 30 was my guess and a stunner!  A definite head turner.  Now it was my turn to stare at the thing of beauty.  Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba all rolled into one.  Her long blonde hair flowed orderly down the nape of her neck which had a red silk scarf hanging loosely around it.  She wore a low-necked black blouse complemented by a hip-hugging and contour-revealing black skirt that flirted with the top of her knees.  Black leather boots came up her long legs.  Her face was angelic.  Brushed with a light touch of makeup and a hint of lipstick on her pouty lips.  I also noticed that she wore no wedding band.  In fact, her long and well manicured fingers were bare.  Not that it would have made a difference to me.  She was out of my league.  Plus I was a married blogger.  In love with this mysterious but beautiful woman whose peach-like lips opened up partly to reveal her magnificent pearly whites in a smile.  She smiled at me!

Now where was I?