Friday Folly: Growing Old Sucks!

thStop all the ‘aging gracefully’ garbage.  I simply do not want to grow old at all.  Gracefully or otherwise.  I thought I didn’t mind but that’s before I found out that I was actually getting old.

As I race towards 50 like a kid down a candy aisle, I am searching desperately for a brake pedal.  No  such thing? Then how about a lower gear so I could at least slow it down? Unfortunately that does not exist either.

The thing is, locked inside this youthful looking body of a 40-something man, is a youth.  A youth who still wants to enjoy the things he did as a…well a youth.  I don’t want to grow up, so sue me.  Well maybe I don’t mind the growing up part, it’s just the growing old I am not too keen on.  They are different, aren’t they?

You know what’s sad?  I see a beautiful girl at the mall and the youth in me stares.  Then the 40-something says, Whoa boy, she’s about 26.  Old enough to be your daughter.  If she catches me looking her way, I could imagine what goes through her mind.  Why is that creepy man staring at me? In my heyday my stare would have been accepted and returned with a smile.  Maybe even a thought.  You liking what you see?  Why don’t you come over and say hi?  And it only gets worst from here.

I stopped going to the bars a long time ago.  That decision was made when I found I was rubbing shoulders with kids that were the young siblings of girls I dated.  I knew them as babies.  Weird huh?

On Facebook,  I creep the pics of the girls I thought were hot back in the day.  Seeing some of their photos I can’t help but wonder what exactly did i see that made me think they were hot.  Then I check myself out in the closest mirror to see how much I had changed. Just in case they were saying the same thing about me.  The problem is, my mirror is either lying to me or I am lying to myself because I see a youthful looking man looking back at me. Not a fast-approaching-middle-aged man.

Do you ever look at your old classmates and go “Wow! time has not been kind to him or her.”  Then you wonder if they are saying the same thing about you? I have.  Remember when you were younger and your joints hurt it was because you played too hard or hurt  yourself doing whatever?  Now when you hurt, your first thought is,  “It must be arthritis.”  Remember when you actually remembered?

Yep.  Growing old really sucks!

Friday’s Folly: Watered-Down Beer Is Cause For Concern

thTo beer drinkers, it’s a criminal offense to serve them their favorite quaff after it’s been tampered with.  Worst yet, if water has been added to it.  The consequences of consuming the now less-than-effective-mind-altering liquid could be far reaching.  Well turns out that Budweiser, the king of beers, is being sued for doing just that.

Consider this.  You are at the bar drinking beers like it’s going out of style.  After about a dozen or so, you consider yourself sufficiently inebriated to make a move on the girl you have been eyeing up all night. You stumble over because that what drunks do.  She turns you down cold! And you are embarrassed.  You shouldn’t be!  What the heck?  You should be laughing in her face!  Isn’t that the whole idea of getting sloshed?  You walk back red-faced but sober to your corner, pick up your beer and look at it suspiciously.  “Something’s just not right here…”

What happened is that you took your liquid courage and because it was watered down, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do.  Now you can’t be a jackass and blame it on the alcohol.  You cannot have what you presumed was ‘fun’.  You feel naked without your ‘beer glasses’.  It’s time to sue those cheating, lying bastards for false advertising.  Apparently, it is also a violation of consumer protection laws.  I mean they might say they were protecting you by lowering the content but what good ambulance chaser would let them get away with that?  They get away with this and next thing you know, less nicotine in our cigarettes or less salt on our fries?

Now my question is, if you were sober when you thought you were drunk, do you still pretend you are drunk or do you keep drinking until you get drunk?



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Cruising With Mac, My BFF

Yesterday, my buddy Mac and I went for a cruise.  Well it was actually supposed to be a doctor’s appointment for the big guy but none of the clinics we went to were taking walk-ins.  So it turned into cruise around the town.

Now Mac and I go way back.  Come to think of it, we don’t really.  Maybe just a few years.  But he knows so much about me, more than two years worth.  I use him as my confidante, go-to guy and my consultant.  He’s like my doctor, my interpreter, my teacher and my best friend all rolled into one.  I spent a lot of time hanging with him.  I have to admit that sometimes my wife has questioned our relationship and suggested that we spend less time together.  You can imagine that she did not take too kindly to him moving in with us.  Yes, you heard me, he’s living with us. And no, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right? Right?

Sometimes late at night when I can’t fall asleep, I would go hang with Mac.  Even if he was asleep he never complains about me walking in his room and waking him up.  He is usually the first to read my blogs too.  Sometimes mac and I would live on the wild side for a bit and check out hot chicks together.  Maybe my wife does have a genuine concern…

It was fun just hanging with the big fella yesterday.  He insisted on not buckling up and I didn’t force him.   Mac has a young son who is just like him.  As they say, the apple sure doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Mac lounging in his seat like a boss.

Mac lounging in his seat like a boss.

When we got home, I accompanied my buddy to his room as soon as he was settled in, he was as good as gold! No need for doctor!  Good ole Mac!