Excuse Me Hon, Can I Lick You There?

Hmmm...I love you so so much!

Hmmm…I love you so so much!

Man this world is getting weirder and freaker by the day.  Open up your browser and you don’t have to look far to read about some zany craze that is sweeping the globe.  Planking, Owling, Cinnamon Challenge, Gangnam, Eyeball licking…Yes, eyeball licking is the next big thing among teens.  It originated in Japan but is quickly spreading to other countries.  As if kissing or having sex wasn’t good enough to let your partner know that you loved them, you now have to lick their eyeballs to really send the message.  Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good licking of the eyes.  Man, we have really come a long way…

Now, if you are like me you are probably wondering, “Who came up with this crap?”  Some kid sitting there watching tv with his girlfriend just thought to himself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my gf would say if I licked her eyeballs?  Hey babes, want me to lick your eyeballs? I would be gentle if it’s your first time.”  She would have to reply in the affirmative for this dumb craze to take off.  So her response would be something like, “Well to be honest, I have been licked by Jeff from the basketball team and Tony, the quarterback.  My friend Melissa licked me once too.  So sure, like my eyeballs, babes.”  And the rest is history.

Kids sitting around the corners in the hallway like squeegee kids ready to lick some teenaged eyeballs?  Seriously folks, life as we know it is fast disappearing.  We are doomed. Smarts are scarce.  Get beamed up if you can! But hurry!

And as if parents didn’t have enough to worry about, now instead of telling our  daughters to keep their legs closed, we have to tell them to keep their damn eyes closed now too?  Who wants to see their kid being someone’s eye candy?

Note:  Eyeball licking has been known to spread diseases including herpes and conjunctivitis.

OMG!! She really loves me!

OMG!! She really loves me!

Advertisements

If You Love Something Let It Go…

thIf you love something or someone, set it free and if it comes back to you it’s yours and if it doesn’t, then it was never yours. 

Biggest pile of doo doo I have ever heard. The worst part is that I actually believed in it at one time.  Yes, me who dissect and investigate everything and never take anything at face value.  I fell for that lame old saying.

I loved a lot in my day. like love a lot.  Doesn’t make sense? I meant like in the sense of I was like this and I was like that. So I like loved a lot.  Got that now? And don’t tell me my love wasn’t real and how it was lust etc.  Some of these girls, I never even slept with.  But believing that silly ‘If you love something’ crap, I set them free.  They never came back.  Well some did but I’ll get to that in a bit.

When I set the girls free, I said, “I love you so much honey that I have to set you free.  I know we have something good going here but maybe you just aint mine.  So if you come back, you were indeed mine. So go honey go! Fly! Explore!”  And that was it.  They did call me some colorful names that I can’t write here. Family blog and all.  But they weren’t impressed with the way I ‘set them free’.

I also owned a few pets that I had to set free rather reluctantly and sadly.  I took a cat to the outskirts of town and ‘set it free’.  It guess it wasn’t mine as it never came back.  My dog Frudo, I took him across state lines and never saw him again either.  I thought he loved me but he obviously didn’t or he would have come back.  I even lost a kid too.  Sent her to live with her mommy and never looked back, expecting her to return.  I guess she wasn’t mine as I never saw her or heard from her again.  It was good finding out a few kids that I thought were mine were not.  Man, I was letting shit go like I had the runs. Family, friends, all got released and most never came back.

Then I got married and then for some strange reason, the girls I released into the wild came calling.   Aww…so they did love me.  Unfortunately for them, they took too long and fortunately for my wife, I am low on patience.  Some took a couple of years, some took ten years or more.  One took about twenty years but give her credit, she did come back. I can’t believe so many of them were actually mine!

So believe me, the saying is untrue. If you love something, please don’t let it go.  Hold on with both hands for dear life.  Squeeze the life out of the thing.  Unless you are stealing boomerangs, it might never come back if you let it go.

What did I do with the chicks that came back?  Oh you want to know eh?  Well I slept with the unslept-with ones and added the others on Facebook. I AM JUST KIDDING!!! About them being on Facebook. Wait, I turned that around.  I meant I am kidding about sleeping with them but they are on Facebook.

Who came up with that silly saying anyways?

Undesired and Uncontrollable Orgasms

The topic of this blog could make you go, “What? There’s no such thing.  Orgasms are always desired.  Maybe uncontrollable but who’s complaining”.  Well the women who suffer from the rare disease, PGAD, which means Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder are complaining.

When I first read this I thought it was a joke.  I am sorry because from reading about it, it’s definitely not a laughing matter.  It might appeal to the voyeur in you but to those suffering from PGAD, there’s nothing sexy about it.

Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder or PGAD, is an ailment that affects women. They suffer spontaneous, persistent and uncontrollable genital arousal with or without orgasm.  Failure to relieve the symptoms usually results in spontaneous orgasms, so it is not uncommon for a woman to engage in frequent masturbations.  These can occur in buses, hair salon, while shopping, work, etc. so imagine that for a while.  It is of course painful and in many cases, sufferers end up forgoing sexual relationships.  This affect the ability to carry on a loving relationship.

I first came across this story about a week or so ago when I read about a woman who committed suicide after a prolong fight with PGAD.  Read her story here.  There are many more like her and their stories are no less sobering.

Who would have thought that a story about women having orgasms and having a vibrator for a bff could be so grim?

Related articles

Memoirs of a nice player

Let me be clear, this is not a confession.  I repeat, this is not a confession.  I used to be in the game.  Yeah, deep in the game.  I considered myself skilled and quite a natural.  I wasn’t the hottest guy in the house but I sure was the one taking home the hottest lady in the house.  Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I was painful to look at or anything.  I was a player by all definition and never once did I sit on the bench.

Man, I played it like it a pro.  At the bars, I oozed ‘player’.  Oh yeah baby, I was a player.  I am not bragging about it but I learned from it. I wasn’t mean or an asshole to girls. I just had a lot of them. I never had a space between relationships.  My charm was a weapon.

It wasn’t about the sex, don’t get me wrong. I mean in some instances, the sex was a welcome additive but taking home that hot chick that all the other guys were salivating over was grand!  “How do you do it?” They would ask.  “What do you say to them?”  They would even point out hot girls and dare me to get a dance or a number, to which I willingly obliged.  I can’t remember ever striking out.  Why? I was nice. I was a nice player.

Now you wannabes are waiting for the big secret on how to meet and greet girls.  Well let me tell you how I did it.  I tried to always be myself.  I go up to the girl and I started talking her language.  I didn’t brag on things I have or didn’t have, or my accomplishments. I talked about everyday stuff, without trying to sound smart.  I made sure that she knows I am just there to talk, not get her in bed or get her number.  Talk usually led to one or all of those anyways.

I have dated girls who were supposed to be friends with benefits but being a nice player, I couldn’t  say no to their requests for a relationship.  How do I say no after spending time with them, enjoying their company or worst yet, having sex with them?  I couldn’t be that mean.  Let’s just say I was a con with a conscience.  Maybe I wasn’t that great of a player after all.

My wife of 7 years was supposed to have been just a friend.  I met her right after a breakup and we both agreed to just be friends with garnish on the side.  Well before you know it, she had succumbed to my charm and wanted more.  Of course I obliged. I had already slept with the woman!  Now I don’t regret a moment of it.  It was the best ‘yes’ I have ever said.

My playing days are over.  I am hobbled now but a guy can reminisce can’t he?  I couldn’t have been that bad of a guy as I am still friends with all of my exes.  They understand the game.  Hearts get broken.

Oh, and if you ever wanted some tips on dating, feel free to drop me a line.  Do it, all my friends do, especially my female friends.  Don’t forget, I know the game inside out.

Riri,Riri Stupid Girl?

Rihanna and Chris Brown concert, Brisbane Ente...

Rihanna and Chris Brown concert, Brisbane Entertainment Centre (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am feeling like a tool to start the new year.  I should learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes eh?  Maybe I should invest in some resolutions, at least one that says, ‘For the new year, I’ll keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.  Unless I’m blogging.’

Did I get your curiosity juices flowing?  It’s what I do best.  I love a good suspenseful start to a blog.    Anyways, my point of contention is Riri and Chris Brown.  Yeah, as in Rihanna and Chris Brown re-kindling their abnormal romance.  Now I’m normally not one for celebrity crap.  Well unless it’s blog worthy and I could poke fun at their expense.  Other than that, I couldn’t care less.   But when Rihanna was physically abused by Chris Brown, I couldn’t keep quiet.  Nope, not me.

So what exactly did you do, Mr. Tough Blogger?   Well Mr. and Mrs. Readers,  I went and sent a nice tweet to Mr. Brown letting him know he made a bad career-ending or at least career-crippling move.  Violence against anyone is not cool.  Against women, it’s even uncooler.  Yes, I even said ‘uncooler’.  Then I blogged about him and I Facebooked about him and I talked about him.  All bad stuff of course.  Then, I praised Riri, who I’m not a fan of, for dropping him like a hot microphone.  Other abused women around the globe thanked and praised her too for coming forward and shining the spotlight on their plight. She was like a cancer survivor.  A voice against abuse against women.

Oh yeah, I went to town on that boy.  Then within the same year, there were rumors that Rihanna was secretly hanging out with him.  No! She’s stupid but not THAT stupid.  She wouldn’t do that.  Not after showing off her scars to the world and accusing CB of bitch slapping her around.  She would be Riri dumb to go back to him.  Plus she’s black AND from the islands and those chicks are TOUGH.  They eat balls for lunch and wash it down with island rum.  On the rocks.  The fact that she outed him showed that she won’t take shit from no one.

So yeah, I didn’t believe the rumors and the other ones and the other ones.  Then I read that they spent NYE together and never left bed.  And that’s when I felt like a tool.  So much wasted emotions, wasted words, wasted tweets…All those battered women who were starting to come out of their shells are slowly going back in.

Because I made a resolution to keep my mouth shut I won’t say what I think about Riri.  I hope she doesn’t come looking for sympathy from me next time because my sympathy tank is on empty and I’m not refueling. You are on your own now, Riri stupid girl.

Honey, what’s that noise?

“Honey, what’s that noise?” My wife’s words would interrupt my dreams and bring me from the depths of sleep, unwillingly.  I faintly hear a sound of something as my sense of hearing is not yet re-adjusted and tuned to my worldly surroundings.  “Hmm…I dunno”. I replied groggily.  Laying it on a bit in the hopes that she would recognize that I was in a deep sleep and let me continue from where I left off.  It was not to be.

“What is it, Babes?”  She asked.  Well, we are both lying in bed, I was way off in la la land frolicking with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba until you rudely woke me up.  How would I know what was making that sound?  Maybe it was a cat but since we don’t have a cat, I will say the dog.  Come to think of it, we don’t own a dog so let’s go with ghost. Yes, a ghost.  Our house is haunted!  Wait, not so fast.  I haven’t explored all options yet.  Maybe it was a precariously balanced object succumbing to gravity.  I like that one as it exercised my vocabulary and made me sound smart.  But honey, I have not clue what it is.

“Can you go check?”  Again she persists.  “Hell no!  I am not going down there to face who or whatever made that noise!”  I declared.  “Well you are the man of the house! You should.”  Gosh, if I knew that being a man came with all these responsibilities I would have been a girl.  “Fine!  I’ll go check.  You stay here under your comfy covers!”  Armed to the teeth with a shoe and broom, she tiptoed out of the bedroom and that’s the last time I saw my wife.  Just kidding, it’s not a fairy tale, this is true stuff.

So off she went to confront the noise-maker and rude-waker-upper.  Two minutes later, she was back.  Shoe uncocked and unloaded, broom re-sheathed. “What was it?”  I ventured to ask.  “Oh nothing.  Just the furnace.”

I closed my eyes and tried to summon up the Jessicas again.  Come back girls! Daddy’s back.  Now where were we?

The joys of being man…

Wife’s not a pretty sight so husband sues her. And wins!

The Ugly Duckling (1939 film)

The Ugly Duckling (1939 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

Ever woke up and look at your spouse and go, “Why did I marry you? Was I drunk?” Well maybe you were or weren’t but if you also thought, “I wonder if I could sue you for being so hideous?”  Wonder no more, maybe you could.

 

Mr. Feng, the plaintiff, did not always see his wife as an ugly duckling.  No no, things only got ugly after their baby was born.  He was aghast.  “How could both of us have a kid this ugly?” He screamed to no one in particular.  “This is an abomination!  I have disgraced my family and my honor.  This ugly child is not mine.”  He accused her of cheating on him and pressed her to confess that she was indeed the source of the ugliness.  (I guess the baby did have a face only a mother would love).

 

Apparently, before she met and marry Feng, his wife had spent a bundle on supporting the plastic industry.  So basically, the baby had inherited the mom’s ‘real looks’.  Neat how that works eh?

 

Poor Mr. Feng was so put off and felt totally let down that he immediately filed for divorce and sued his ugly wife in the process.  When husband and wife faced off in court, the court agreed with Feng and gave him what he wanted.  As for the woman, she learned a valuable lesson that looks are only skin deep and that’s a shallow depth.  The baby is doing fine, charming the socks off everyone who thinks all babies are innocent and cute.

 

Only in China.