It’s Almost 3am And I Can’t Sleep!


sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Pardon me for waking you up at this ungodly hour but I cannot sleep!  I lay there with my mind going at a break-neck speed.  Doesn’t it realize that it has all day tomorrow to think? I am hot, I am uncomfortable, I am restless.  Then I thought that maybe I should get myself a drink.  As in the hard stuff.  But then I remember the warnings.  “Don’t drink before bed, you won’t be able to sleep”.

But wait a minute!  What kind of conspiracy is this??  Have you ever seen someone under the influence with their eyes wide open and alert?  Exactly!  They are always fast asleep!  Passed out somewhere, anywhere.  Seems like the perfect sleeping pill to me.  So why lie to us?  So we won’t deplete the stock?

I tried the sheep counting thing but that kept me even more awake.  I stayed up wanting to find out how many sheep there actually were.  So here I am blogging at 2:46am.  Everyone’s asleep.  Oh, I just had some mini wheats cereal, maybe that would do the trick.  Well if it doesn’t, you know where to find me.  I’m off to give it another shot…night night.  Actually I should say ‘good morning’.

Honey, what’s that noise?

“Honey, what’s that noise?” My wife’s words would interrupt my dreams and bring me from the depths of sleep, unwillingly.  I faintly hear a sound of something as my sense of hearing is not yet re-adjusted and tuned to my worldly surroundings.  “Hmm…I dunno”. I replied groggily.  Laying it on a bit in the hopes that she would recognize that I was in a deep sleep and let me continue from where I left off.  It was not to be.

“What is it, Babes?”  She asked.  Well, we are both lying in bed, I was way off in la la land frolicking with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba until you rudely woke me up.  How would I know what was making that sound?  Maybe it was a cat but since we don’t have a cat, I will say the dog.  Come to think of it, we don’t own a dog so let’s go with ghost. Yes, a ghost.  Our house is haunted!  Wait, not so fast.  I haven’t explored all options yet.  Maybe it was a precariously balanced object succumbing to gravity.  I like that one as it exercised my vocabulary and made me sound smart.  But honey, I have not clue what it is.

“Can you go check?”  Again she persists.  “Hell no!  I am not going down there to face who or whatever made that noise!”  I declared.  “Well you are the man of the house! You should.”  Gosh, if I knew that being a man came with all these responsibilities I would have been a girl.  “Fine!  I’ll go check.  You stay here under your comfy covers!”  Armed to the teeth with a shoe and broom, she tiptoed out of the bedroom and that’s the last time I saw my wife.  Just kidding, it’s not a fairy tale, this is true stuff.

So off she went to confront the noise-maker and rude-waker-upper.  Two minutes later, she was back.  Shoe uncocked and unloaded, broom re-sheathed. “What was it?”  I ventured to ask.  “Oh nothing.  Just the furnace.”

I closed my eyes and tried to summon up the Jessicas again.  Come back girls! Daddy’s back.  Now where were we?

The joys of being man…