What If God Tags Me And I Miss It?

imagesToday, while browsing the internet, I preached to my nephew about how bad it was.  Laughing, he asked why I was on the net if I thought it was so bad.  “I have to.  It’s where everyone is.”

Now consider this.  Everyone’s hopping on the social train.  Our grandparents are doing it.  No, not that, internet and social media.  Because it’s so popular and everyone could be found on one social network or another, what if God decides that to get the attention of the masses, he would use Twitter to announce his second coming?  And what if he tags people?  What if he tags me and because I didn’t have Twitter, I missed it?!  It’s unthinkable! And that’s why I got my ass a Twitter account.

And an iPad too.  And an Android to cover my bases.  I would not want to miss a Heavenly announcement because of incompatibility.  Could you just imagine.  I will be arriving soon. @Eggman, @BloggerB @sassandbalderdash @Kate?  Kate would be sure to catch it right away because she’s plugged in, too bad she’s an atheist though, she would just see it as a bloggable topic. But me, yes me, I would be left in the cold. Sorry God, I didn’t have Twitter.  Why didn’t you just use Facebook?  You could have tagged me there too. What? Too much  drama? But so is Twit…nevermind, you are GOD.

So while I sit here blogging, I have a Facebook and a Twitter tab opened.  Close by rest my iPad and Android phone.  Am I missing anything?  Oh, I have a smart tv and blu ray also. If God watches a show on Netflix, I would know right away.  I am ready baby.  Go ahead God, tweet away!  I hope he doesn’t post pics on Instagram.  I don’t have that yet.

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Banging With Friends Confession

th2Immediately after writing my last blog Banging My Facebook Friends or FILF, I was hit by a feeling of guilt.  No, it wasn’t plagiarized.  I felt guilty because I told you that I am married and had no inclinations to try the new app that allows user to pick their FILF Facebook friends and send out a feeler to see if a one-night stand could be set up. The thing is, I realized I was lying as soon as I pressed  the ‘publish’ button.  I knew that as soon as I was done checking my blog stats, I was going to give that app a try.  Just out of curiosity, nothing serious.

I browsed my friends’ list and to no surprise, found that I had some not-too-bad friends.  Bangable if you don’t mind the word. Good potential.  Judy the redhead had that ‘come hither’ look that made me want to go thither.  Lindsay, my blonde friend worked out hard and had a real tight bod.  She also had that girl-next-door look so why not?  Mary the midget was nothing special but she was one of my best friend and I am sure she would not have been impressed to find out she was on on my FILF list.  ‘Is it a midget thing?’ she might ask. Plus she’s really nice. I am not gay but sometimes I am not 100% sure and there’s no one I’d rather test my sexuality on than my buddy Anthony. You never know…How about the MILF Helen?  I guess she falls in the MILF/FILF bracket.  So I sent out feelers.  Oh wait,   There’s Stacey who I had recently added because I liked the way she looked on her profile pic.  Yeah, I creeped her Facebook page.  Man is she ever hot!  Yoga pants never looked better.  She lived not too far from me either.  What do I have to lose?  So I decided to start with those.

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They all responded!  I got a ‘WTF!’ from Judy and a ‘Eeew’ from Mary the midget.  Seriously Mary?  Lindsay sent me a smiley face with the word, ‘When’.  Well I thought it was just the one word.  Looking closer, it was actually followed by  two more words. ‘pigs fly’.  Helen, my MILF friend promptly wrote ‘Stay away from me, you creep!’ and unfriended me.  Anthony sent me a profanity-laced private message which also included threats if I ever got close to him.  Yes, he too unfriended me.  For some reason, my other buddies stopped talking to me but that’s just jealousy I supposed.

Well so much for this banging my Facebook friends app.     At this rate, I will have a low self esteem, no friends and get banged upside the head.  On the bright side, I’m down a few friends…

Banging My Facebook Friends or FILF

bangwithfreinds-300113Calm down, this blog is now what it seems.  I don’t go around having sex with my Facebook friends. What do you think it is?  Sexbook?  Ok, well maybe there’s a couple (Not that kind of couple) who I have had intimate relationships with and we are now friends on Facebook but…nevermind.  None of your business anyways.

This morning, I heard on the radio that there’s a new Facebook app that users could use to let their friends know that they are able, willing and capable to have intimately casual encounters of the sex kind. WOW!  Yes, you heard me right.  There IS an app for that!

Well being Mr. Investigative Reporter, I got on my google and ‘googled that shit’ as my buddy would say.  Turns out it’s legit. There’s a new Facebook sex app called ‘Bang With Friends’ that you can use to hook up and do the deed.  The horizontal or parallel mambo.  The thing.  Sex.  In four days after it was launched, it garnered 20,000 users.  This just put a whole different spin on ‘poking’ and ‘Friends with benefits’.

I know your curiosity juices are flowing uncontrollably so I won’t bore you anymore with the trimmings.  You want to know how this thing works, right? Well users sign in with Facebook, go through their friends’ list, pick the friends that they would like to enjoy some er…bedtime with, ok the filf, and the friends get a message that you are interested in something more and if they feel the same way, they reciprocate.  Then bang! bang! it’s done! Like dinner!  Read here.

It’s supposedly very discreet and private.  Sort of like those hookers in Vegas that come to your room.  So don’t worry about your friend yapping to her other friends who are also your friends who are also friends with your wife.  “Girl, you won’t believe who wants to have sex with me.”  “Noooo! Not him! Really? Isn’t he married with children?”

Now this is actually one of those things you just want to try.  I won’t as I’m happily married and casual encounters of the sex kind scares me but I’m just so tempted to click on someone’s name and see what happens.  I might get a private message with one word.  ‘When?’

If you haven’t done so yet, don’t forget to add the group ‘FILF’ to your Facebook friends filter and thank me later.  With 700+ friends, I hope there’s at least one friend who finds me desirable.

What Facebook Statuses,Comments And Likes Really Mean

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

So Beverly is having relationship issues.  Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage.  After first crying on her bff’s shoulder,  she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*.  That’s it, that’s all.  Just ‘sigh’.  Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon.  Hugs. We should go drinking soon.”  Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments.  What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you.  Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars.  My mom thinks you are a whore.”

Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way.  Nice friend.

Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah  you,  got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on  your status. “Got a big promotion at work!  Woot! Woot!”  Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents.  “Yeah buddy! Congrats!”  He works with you so what he is really  saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy.  Asshole!”  Nice friend.

“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response.  Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby??  Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning?  Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.

Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica.  Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.”  Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic.  What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter.  My husband is boring and he’s getting fat.  At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.

The people who clicked on the  ‘like’ button are actually thinking,  “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone?  Is Hubby that boring?” or  “Fun my ass!  Wait a minute!  Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.”  Nice friend.

Last scenario.  Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims.  “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status.  Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference.  Do you think her other friends can because their comments are,  “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!”  Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.”  Or even, “What??  You lost 10 pounds my ass!

Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough.  Mike, uploads a photo of himself.  He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling.  Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.”  and “Cute pic.”  No one would actually say what they are really thinking.  “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that.  Not looking good buddy.”  Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up.  You look like Grizzly Adams.”

Disclaimer:  The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook.  Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.

Chris Brown Exposes Himself!

Chris Brown

Chris Brown (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In more useless celebrity news, as if we don’t have enough of those, Chris Brown recently exposed himself. No, not that way so calm down. And no, I don’t have pics. You sex-starved people… Chris chose to exposed himself on the Popular social network, Twitter.  No! I said it’s not about pics!

The woman-beating Brown, tweeted something about how he’s been looking much older than his 23 years.  In his words, he looked ‘as old as fu@@.’  Jenny Johnson, a famous comedy writer who I’ve never heard of until this Chris Brown story, added her two cents worth by replying. “yeah, gal beaters like your sorry ass look old and used up real fast. Get used to it, you piece of sh**!!  If I were Riri, I would have ripped your little dick off and…nevermind.”  Come to think of it, I’m not 100% sure that’s what she said.    Either that or she said, “Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.”  I am not sure which one but you get the gist.

So the immacho (I made that up) Brown got upset.  He went ballistic!  He threatened to relieve himself on the poor woman’s face, (not number 1, number 2!) and to pass gas while she pleased him orally.   How mature.   Punch-drunk Rihanna sure knows how to pick em.  He also said something about pooping on her retina! Yes! He said that! My 6-year old doesn’t even talk like that. Poop on retina? Delivering a stool sample to her retinal lab?  (No, he didn’t say that, I made it up as it sounds kinda cool).  Who says shit like that?  Well what else would I expect from someone who not only hit women but bites them too?

I pity the fool. Oops, sorry fools, I meant Chris Brown. He has a lot of shit going on in his life. Rihanna is not exactly the brightest bulb ever exported from Barbados either for returning to the scene of the crime and hooking up with the perp.

So that is the extent of it. An ignoramus exposing himself, proving once again that even if you take a pig into a castle, it will still be a pig.

writing all this crap really poops me right out!