Help! My cousin is missing! I haven’t seen her in about two years and someone or something has taken over all her social media accounts. Whenever I creep her Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat account, I see someone or something that looks nothing like her. This thing has rabbit ears, dog nose and flawless skin. The mouth is that of a dog’s and to top it off, there’s a crown of flowers on its/her head. What should I do? Should I file a missing person report?
So Beverly is having relationship issues. Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage. After first crying on her bff’s shoulder, she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*. That’s it, that’s all. Just ‘sigh’. Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon. Hugs. We should go drinking soon.” Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments. What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you. Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars. My mom thinks you are a whore.”
Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way. Nice friend.
Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah you, got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on your status. “Got a big promotion at work! Woot! Woot!” Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents. “Yeah buddy! Congrats!” He works with you so what he is really saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy. Asshole!” Nice friend.
“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response. Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby?? Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning? Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.
Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica. Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.” Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic. What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter. My husband is boring and he’s getting fat. At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.”
The people who clicked on the ‘like’ button are actually thinking, “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone? Is Hubby that boring?” or “Fun my ass! Wait a minute! Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.” Nice friend.
Last scenario. Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims. “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status. Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference. Do you think her other friends can because their comments are, “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!” Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.” Or even, “What?? You lost 10 pounds my ass!“
Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough. Mike, uploads a photo of himself. He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling. Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.” and “Cute pic.” No one would actually say what they are really thinking. “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that. Not looking good buddy.” Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up. You look like Grizzly Adams.”
Disclaimer: The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook. Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.
- Really, Facebook, you’re going there? (timesunion.com)