I killed the Old Lady and my boss fired me. Simple as that but let me explain before you go jumping to accusatory conclusions. I haven’t or didn’t actually kill anyone. I killed them in my head due to work related stress due to overload of responsibilities. Ok ok, let me explain better than that as you seem all confused.
In a couple of blogs way back, you might have caught on that I was becoming more and more stressed out at work. Here and Here. The ‘Old Lady’, my boss, his boss, gossipy people…you know how it is. An undesirable work environment. So I killed the old lady. She died a million different ways in my mind as I conjured up painful ways of eliminating her and her grating ways. Between murdering her, I also lay a hurting on my boss for his uncaring and unprofessional attitude. As I smiled and wished him good morning, I played over his demise in my mind. I was like an angry hulk, smashing everything that caused me pain. They sure wouldn’t like me when I was angry.
Just when I was running out of ways to extinguish the office poisons, the boss, who had apparently escaped his virtual death, released me. Yes, fired me. He probably saved my life and perhaps his. And perhaps the old lady’s. Save by the bell! I thanked him wordlessly as he read me my rights. My terms of release they call it. Drop whatever you were doing and get the hell outta here! Well he didn’t say it that way but knowing him, that’s what he meant. As I walked out of the meeting with him and the HR buzzard, I couldn’t resist murdering the both of them again.
Their tortured screams followed me all the way to my car. I cranked the stereo to drown them out. Bob Marley sang ‘Don’t worry’ to me and as I drove into unemployment and I thought, ‘Every little thing, is gonna be alright…’
Goodbye Old Lady. Officer, it was assisted suicide.
English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
So in the last few days, I was/am going through some anxiety issues. Most likely from my ever-increasing workload at work. And no, not the ‘old lady’ I blogged about. I am learning to cope with her and NO! no more dreams either. You don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about the old lady here.
Anyways, I have always had the impression that I have a very strong mind and can close off any negative or harmful thoughts just like that. Bam! Door closed. So when I felt my first anxiety attack coming on, I sought to remedy the situation by thinking happy thoughts. Plus, I had just read a blog that suggested the very same thing. It was a sure-cure. To overcome stress and anxiety, think happy thoughts. So I did. Or I tried to.
My kids are my happy trigger so quite naturally I immediately decided to use them as my therapy. The thoughts that came to my head were not of the happy variety. I thought of the screams and the fights and the stubbornness and the cries and the whines and the…you get the picture. Five minutes later, I was stressed out even more and had a headache.
Hmm…well the wife is my joy so why not try her? So I did. Did you do the dishes? Was the first thought that came to my head. Did you bathe the kids? Clean the house? Wash the car? Take a shower? Change the light bulbs?...I shut her off too before more damage could be done. Wow! This is harder than I thought. Not to mention stressful.
Last ditch effort. I figured I’d think of those great memories of my youth. Aha! That should work. Well it should but it didn’t. I thought of the times we couldn’t afford to eat and I had to go hungry. Wearing pants with holes. Touching my female friends inappropriately. (Omit). Touching my male friends inappropriately. (Omit that one too). I remembered a lot of stuff that should have stayed forgotten. In the end, no success.
Back to square one. So after futile efforts trying to conjure up some happy thoughts, I admitted defeat and realized that somehow, my well of happy thoughts had dried up.
Last week I was stressed out at work. Too much on my plate, too little training and too many expectations. I was at my breaking point. Ready to hurl something. Then I decided to write my boss a blog.
Ok, it wasn’t exactly a blog. I wrote him an email letting him know exactly how I was feeling. I was not rude or anything. He understood, or at least he made a good game of pretending to understand how I felt and even scheduled a sit-down with me. It never happened because he was too busy but you know what? The next day I felt much better! No stress. Why?
Well the fact that my boss did not think it was an emergency that I was losing my state of sanity made me put things in perspective. If it wasn’t important to him that I did my work with 100% efficiency, why should it be to me? Well except that I hold myself to a higher standard than most…So I calmed down and man, do I ever feel good! I go to work and I do what I can and save the rest for the next day. I don’t worry about the stuff that’s not completed. My boss doesn’t. Well unless he gets crap from his boss then the shit rolls downhill and then the emergency switch gets hit.
So if you are feeling like there’s too much on your plate and you are close to snapping, don’t. Sit down and write your boss a blog.