Weird And Random Thoughts On A Lunch Stroll

imagesI started walking on my lunch breaks to get away from my desk and get some much-needed exercise.  It is going great! Kinda lonely, but I have my thoughts to keep me company.  I found that some of these thoughts were strange, weird, random and on the crazy side.   Here are yesterday’s thoughts from my stroll…

Great day for walking.  I will do about an hour today.  Should I put my cell in my pocket or hold it in my hand?  Ok, pocket it is.  Nah, hand is better.  Looks cooler.  Car keys in other hand.  Now we are good to go. Hey!  That blonde just checked me out!  And another! And another!  I must look not-too-bad.  Shit! Did I remember to suck my gut in and square my shoulders?  Can’t remember.  Look at the legs/ass on that girl in the shorts…oh nevermind, just some teenie girl trying to look older than she is.  What’s with these young girls today?  Should I turn here? No, go on a bit more. It’s still early into the walk.  Here is perfect!  Where the heck am I?  Holy shit! I walked far! I still have to get back to my car. Uh huh…I want to go poo pee bad!

I have been walking behind this lady now for the last 20 minutes.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m following her.  I am dressed for styling/work, not walking.  I must look idiotic.  Oh swing those arms! Look like you are walking! You are passing by a school!  You don’t want to be mistaken for a pervert.  Let them know you are just getting your exercise in.  What’s this world coming to anyways?  A grown man can’t casually stroll by a school without feeling self-conscious?  Ok, I am done with this walking.

Why is that woman sitting on the grass?  Why is that girl lying on the grass? Reading or texting?  Must be texting, young people don’t read anymore.  I seriously want to pee but I just need to get back to my car and get to work. I can pee there.  I should pee behind that tree but with my luck, that blogger chick who blogged about seeing too many penises would see mine and blog about it.  I.am.seriously.done.

How come I’m the only idiot walking anyways?  So many people yet I’m the only exerciser? Nice bike in that yard. I wonder what they would do if I just took it and ride away…Ok, where the hell is my car?  It’s almost an hour! I always do this crap.  Go walking and forget that I have to walk back.  Oh, there it is, just a block away…finally! Now to go back to work and blog about it.

 

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Thinking Happy Thoughts. :)

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So in the last few days,  I was/am going through some anxiety issues. Most likely from my ever-increasing workload at work.  And no, not the ‘old lady’ I blogged about.  I am learning to cope with her and NO! no more dreams either.  You don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about the old lady here.

Anyways, I have always had the impression that I have a very strong mind and can close off any negative or harmful thoughts just like that. Bam! Door closed.  So when I felt my first anxiety attack coming on, I sought to remedy the situation by thinking happy thoughts.  Plus, I had just read a blog that suggested the very same thing.  It was a sure-cure.  To overcome stress and anxiety, think happy thoughts. So I did. Or I tried to.

My kids are my happy trigger so quite naturally I immediately decided to use them as my therapy.  The thoughts that came to my head were not of the happy variety. I thought of the screams and the fights and the stubbornness and the cries and the whines and the…you get the picture.  Five minutes later, I was stressed out even more and had a headache.

Hmm…well the wife is my joy so why not try her? So I did.  Did you do the dishes? Was the first thought that came to my head.  Did you bathe the kids? Clean the house? Wash the car? Take a shower? Change the light bulbs?...I shut her off too before more damage could be done.  Wow! This is harder than I thought. Not to mention stressful.

Last ditch effort.  I figured I’d think of those great memories of my youth.  Aha! That should work.  Well it should but it didn’t.  I thought of the times we couldn’t afford to eat and I had to go hungry. Wearing pants with holes.  Touching my female friends inappropriately.  (Omit).  Touching my male friends inappropriately. (Omit that one too). I remembered a lot of stuff that should have stayed forgotten.  In the end, no success.

Back to square one.  So after futile efforts trying to conjure up some happy thoughts, I admitted defeat and realized that somehow, my well of happy thoughts had dried up.

😦

Massage Table Confessions

Massage

Massage (Photo credit: o5com)

After or while reading this blog, please don’t think I’m a pervert or a weirdo or strange.  Ok,   maybe I’ll accept the last two but not pervert. Read on.

Saturday morning found me in a salon, lying on a massage table getting pampered.  Whenever I go for a massage, I think of all the embarrassing things that could happen to me and that’s why I am never too comfortable with being rubbed.

This morning, I made sure to drain my bladder so I won’t have the sudden urge to ‘go’ while on the table.  As my masseuse kneaded my suddenly sensitive muscles, I thought, ‘What if I farted right now?’ With that thought, I made a conscious effort not to fart.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop my hungry stomach from making complaining sounds.  Then as I started giving in to the relaxing sounds, I thought, ‘What if I fell asleep and started snoring?’  I then made another conscious effort to stay awake.

The most troubling thought of all came later.  ‘What. If. I. Got. A. Boner?’  Well gosh darn it! I tried to rein in that thought before it made a total escape but it was too late.  There it was, ‘What if I get a hard on?’  Fortunately, I was lying on my stomach so I did not fear the embarrassment of such a display but that didn’t last forever.

“Turn over on your back, please.”  Oh no!  Now really, what if I do get a hard-on? Believe me readers, I am 100% honest, I had no thought of getting a rise, pardon the pun, out of my massage experience.  I am happily married and was actually talked into getting a massage by my wife. As a matter of fact, my thoughts do no discriminate and I do get them regardless of the sex of the person giving the massage, so there.  I am not a pervert, right?    Now as I lay there on my back and feeling very vulnerable to the whims of my male organ, I went through a wide array of thoughts aimed at arresting any unwanted lower body developments.  My thoughts still ended up taking off in the wrong directions.

Sexually stimulating images paraded through my mind like the red carpet.  Come on, rise to the occasion.  Do it, I dare you.  Come out and play.  NOOO!!  I thought of my mom and my sister and of painful experiences.  No use. I imagined that my masseuse was an old croon.  Nope, that didn’t work either.  She kept changing back to who she was.  Finally, I had nothing left and just relaxed and gave in to the skillful manipulation of my masseuse.

My mind, sensing that I had thrown in the white flag and surrendered, backed off.  I was able to enjoy the rest of my massage. No farts, no snores, no pissing urges and no boners, well maybe a hint of one but barely worth mentioning.

I can’t believe I just shared such intimate details with you.  It means I really trust you and we are developing a close relationship.  Keep coming back, I have more tantalizing stories.