Yes, me! See you soon!
Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up. I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?
After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience. Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.
Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable. Don’t pad my stats. You feelin me?
So you want to blog eh? Hmm…ok, what is your main goal? Do you want lots of likes and followers or you don’t give a damn? Maybe you just like to get your thoughts and ideas out there. Well you came to the right place, I’m a gonna break it all down for ya’ll…
First, decide what the hell you want to do before you get into this blogging thing. Don’t write a few posts only to realize it’s not your thing or you have no time to blog, not even once a month. The web is already over littered with half-finished blogs like my kids’ plates after dinner, don’t add yours to the list. Ok, glad we had this conversation. Phew!
If you decide that you want to use your blog just to air your thoughts, then listen up. When I started blogging, I had no intentions of sharing them with anyone. At least not anyone I know. I was able to blog more freely not knowing or caring who my readers were. If I wanted to blog about gays, I didn’t have to worry that I would hurt my gay friends. I could air my honest opinion on topics without feeling bad that someone I know could take it personal. Then I added people I know. And that’s when my blogging change. I started over thinking.
So it’s up to you. Now about schedule. The blogging experts will tell you that you should set up a schedule and stick to it. Be it once a week, month, whatever. I would say no way to that. Sticking to a regular schedule sometimes forces you to write weak blogs for the sake of writing. Trust me, if someone likes your blogs, they don’t care if you write once a week or once a month. Tell the experts I said that.
There’s more but I really don’t have time to get into detail. One last thing though, don’t write too much. As they say, “shit or get off the pot.” Meaning, don’t run on and on and on. It’s not going to make one bit of difference. Well it might get people to seek shorter blogs somewhere else. I have seen a blog where the blogger had the one word ‘Aaaahhhh’ or something like that and guess what? People actually liked it! Quite of few people! So just write the darn thing and don’t be a pussy!
I have a confession. Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger. Far from. I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them. I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.
A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page. A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read. I don’t really give two hoots. I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head. I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.
If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously. If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional. If it’s not, I just failed to proofread. If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out. It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass. Ala verbal diarrhea.
So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger. I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience? I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?
I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger. I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it. Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.
Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…
You heard the man, now go read some of his previous blogs until he comes back. Just a couple days more…
Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself. I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature. Accidentally of course.
When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed. If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.” Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow. No more alluding to sex. No porny talk. Family friendly here I come! Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!
So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration. If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own. Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it. The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.
To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me. As you can see, even more important than sex.
So, what do you want to talk about?
Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs. Yep, I seriously do. I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff. Take this blog for instance. I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there. This one is good for the new bloggers especially.
Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content. Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail? More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.
Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging. Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out. Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok. I
I used to be like that for a long time. I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised? I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes. I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.
There! My tip for the day. Just let it out and don’t over thunk it. You will be fine, trust me. I am.
Everyone at The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant turned to look. Some stared without apology. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I looked up casually and went back to my work. I was perched on a weathered looking chair at a crooked and unpainted table in a corner of the coffee shop area. From my vantage point, I could see who was entering or leaving and that’s how I saw her enter. I was on a mission and couldn’t be derailed by the sight of a woman. I was intent on writing THAT blog. The big one. The one that would get my name up there with the pros. This woman would not rob me of this opportunity!
The Freshly Pressed Coffee Shop and Restaurant is far from being an upscale restaurant. The decor is limited and consists of wooden tables covered by white and cheap looking tablecloths. The chairs are not comfortable. Hardwood floors looked ready for a makeover. In fact, the entire restaurant screamed for a makeover. With its dimly lit interior, you really needed the coffee to keep you awake, unless you kept awake by blogging about something interesting. The lingering aroma of every different blend of coffee hangs in the air mixed with whatever food was hot out of the kitchen. Despite what it didn’t have going for it, it was invitingly warm and cozy and the atmosphere was very welcoming. It had a homely feel to it and that’s why I chose to blog here. It was my Eden. My little niche was situated in the farthest and darkest corner. From my vantage point, I could the comings and goings but usually don’t.
From the corner of my eye I saw the woman make a bee line for the table right next to mine. I smelled her perfume before she was close enough to fully drink her in. Liz Taylor perfume? No, too young. She was only about 30 was my guess and a stunner! A definite head turner. Now it was my turn to stare at the thing of beauty. Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba all rolled into one. Her long blonde hair flowed orderly down the nape of her neck which had a red silk scarf hanging loosely around it. She wore a low-necked black blouse complemented by a hip-hugging and contour-revealing black skirt that flirted with the top of her knees. Black leather boots came up her long legs. Her face was angelic. Brushed with a light touch of makeup and a hint of lipstick on her pouty lips. I also noticed that she wore no wedding band. In fact, her long and well manicured fingers were bare. Not that it would have made a difference to me. She was out of my league. Plus I was a married blogger. In love with this mysterious but beautiful woman whose peach-like lips opened up partly to reveal her magnificent pearly whites in a smile. She smiled at me!
Now where was I?
I started blogging just over a year ago. It was a private affair that later turned into an ‘invite only’. I wasn’t keen on everyone reading my thoughts. After a couple of months and some urging from friends and family, I went fully public. I must confess, it wasn’t an easy thing for me. I am usually a very private person when it comes to my thoughts. I am more a listener than a talker. (Ok, maybe I feared the criticism too).
Going public was great for stats. (I shared my blogs on Facebook, Twitter and other sites). I watched as my followers and daily views increased. it was fun! Then I realized something. My writing had changed. I was now second guessing each blog and its contents. What would this person say when she reads this? Oh, I can’t write this. I have a friend with this issue and they will think I’m writing about them. Would my friends like this one? They are going to see me differently after reading this one. It was as though I had lost the cloak of anonymity. And so I started another blog.
With this blog, I regained my anonymous status. It is public but I do not advertise it to my friends or family. If they happen to find it on WP, they would not be able to make the connection. A month ago, I had to show my wife a few of the blogs as I thought they were well written pieces. She was unhappy that I had not bothered to tell her that I had a new blog. I explained that I wanted a blog that I could feel free to write however and whatever I want. I mean seriously, do I want my mom to read blogs about me trying not to have an erection on massage tables? Of course not! My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship.
I have more fun writing funnysideupandscrambled than any of my other blogs. It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde personality. With this blog, you, yes you, are very lucky. You get to see a side of me that has never before been revealed. You see the side of me that only a bff would see.
And plain and simple, that’s why I have another blog. Now go and explore it and come back often.
Vladmir Klichko was not having a good day. In fact, he was having a terrible day. He should have been playing with his kids, 5-year old Alexander and 2-year old Alyssa, but here he was, reluctantly posing for a photo for some blog-hosting website called WordPress. At least that’s what he was told.
The day started out as any other for the Klitchko family. Vladmir’s wife had died last year and he was left to take care of the children by himself. Today being Sunday, he planned on taking them to church then for ice cream. They were dressed and getting ready to leave when it all went downhill.
As Alexander and his sister were at the front door putting their coats on, the door burst open and in stormed 3 members of the Secret Police. “Hands in the air and stay where you are!” They shouted. The kids immediately started to cry and Vladmir instantly and instinctively ran over to comfort them. “We said stop!” The man closest to him growled and slammed his gun butt on the back of his head. Vladmir crumpled to the floor in a heap. Luckily, he was still conscious and there was no blood. “What do you want from us?” He asked, trying to sound brave. The one who first issued the order to stay put stepped forward until he was standing close to Vladmir. “Listen carefully. We were sent here by WordPress. Our order was to get you to pose for a photo with your kids.”
Vladmir was confused. What the hell is WordPress? Why me? What do they want with a picture and why send the secret police? Were the questions that went through his head. To the speaker who was obviously the leader also, he asked, “What is our photo going to be used for?” He was curious and afraid of what the answer might be. He was even more confused by what it was. “We need your photo as a motivation for WordPress’ Weekly Writing Challenge.” “What’s that?” He ventured to ask. “WordPress is a host website for bloggers.” was the reply.
Poor Vladmir was swimming in an ocean of confusion. He had never heard of WordPress before and he barely knew what blogging was. “You look confused my friend. Wordpress hosts writers and would-be writers who write blogs. A blog is very much like a journal of thoughts, comments and stuff like that. Wordpress holds weekly challenge to get bloggers to be creative. They need a photo of you and your family to use as this week’s motivation for writing.” The leader seemed less hostile. “So why did you barge in here with guns drawn if that’s all you wanted?” “We are the secret police, it’s the way we work. Sorry about that blow to your head. My guy there is a bit of a loose cannon. Now let’s get this thing started.”
Vladmir was taken outside and posed for shot after shot. He kept having to do retakes as he was told his expression was too glum. It was hard to get the sour look off his face. He was unimpressed. Alexander and Alyssa were biting their lips, trying to stop themselves from crying. Alexander wanted to prove to daddy that he was a big boy.
As Vladmir posed for what would turn out to be the final shot and the one that would be used as the WordPress photo, his Freshly Pressed pants were now a bit creased from his being on the floor, he thought, “I hate you! You WordPress Bloggers! You can press this! You want a challenge? I will give you a challenge. Try leaving me and my family alone!”
After the reluctant but successful photo session, the Klichkos were allowed back into the house. Vladmir did not feel very much like church anymore and the kids were no different. “Daddy, can we go upstairs and watch TV?” Asked Alexander. Vladmir was glad for the alone time to gather himself. “Yes, go ahead.” He replied. When they were gone and he was left by himself, he went over to the old relic of a computer he had in his study. He opened up a browser and in the search box, he typed, ‘WordPress’.
That was my hurriedly written entry for the Weekly Writing Challenge. I wrote it at work and had to rush it a bit.