Boss, Is That You?

The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me.  Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes.  Just wanted to put a face to the noise.  I know, I am weird that way.  I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…

To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.

I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…

All Pooped Out At Work

I swear that some people take bathroom breaks at work just to get away and they will try to stay in there as long as they could, slackers!

Take today for instance, when I went to use the bathroom there was a guy in the stall next to me. When I left, almost one hour later, he was still there! Could you believe that?  Like seriously buddy, are you hiding from work?  Or are you doing your work in the privacy of a bathroom stall?  Some people!

 

 

The Token Black Guy

Did I tell you I had a new job? Well I did and if I didn’t then it probably wasn’t your business anyways. But yes, I did. And out of over 200 employees in the big office of this big company, I happen to be the only black guy. Or gal. Or thing.

Am I complaining? Heck no! I love the attention. All of a sudden I’m the cool dude in the workplace.  I can just see the husbands and boyfriends telling their girlfriends and wives about this cool black guy who is working with them. Or vice versa.  Now I’m not sure if I am the token black guy or what happened to the others, if there were others. Lynched? Just kidding! Why the serious face?

Anyways, I want you to remain tight-lipped on this.  I don’t want the good reverend Jesse Jackson and that other guy there, hmm… can’t remember his name, showing up at my work screaming racism. No sir. I am enjoying my new-found status. I am loving this.  Don’t hate!

The F in Friday: Those Damn Bosses!

Who's the Boss?

Who’s the Boss? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Today I was thinking, yes I do that sometimes, about the way some bosses are.  You know what I’m talking about.  Well maybe not at this moment as I’m just introducing the topic but you will.  Trust me.  If you don’t then you are probably your own boss or an unemployed bum.  In either case, I’m not hating.  To each his or her own.  But anyways, back to the task at hand.  We are talking about bosses.

 

Have you ever been called to the boss’ office and you think it’s something important but you get, “Karen, I have this email here that I want you to send it to the other employees.  I’ll forward it to you as we speak.”  You, being Karen, looks at him like, “WTF boss! You call me in here for this?  Is there a trick to this?  You just sent the damn thing to me, why didn’t you just add the other names and send it?”  But of course you won’t, or maybe you did and that’s why you are now an unemployed bum. I got it.

 

But seriously, what’s wrong with bosses like that?  I’ve worked with a few of them.  Lazy buggers who makes you question their credentials. “How did boss get that job? He’s a lazy so and so.”  Don’t worry Karen, or is it Susan? he’s just being your typical boss.

 

Now why would boss sit with you in his office going over spreadsheets then after, tells you to print a copy when you get back to your desk?  While he had it open, couldn’t he had pressed, ‘print’?  Nah, never mind.  Too much work.

 

Have a great weekend, Boss.  And remember to lead by example.

 

 

 

Pimpin Ain’t Easy But Think Of The Money, Man.

th-5I am exactly what you are looking for.  I would do whatever you want, whenever you want and however you want it.  I have a lot of experience but willing to learn.  The last person I was with, I lasted a long long time.  I left because it was no longer working out.  Take me!

Looking for work is like pimping out yourself, isn’t it?  You go to these interviews and try to sell yourself.  I am great! I am good! I would do whatever you have to do to convince employers that you are what their company needs and you are better than the next candidate.  Sometimes you have to twist the truth just a tad to gain that edge.  Ok, maybe sometimes even more than a tad. If so, it’s up to you to live up to that hype if and when you get hired.

Saying this, I guess I’m really good at pimping as I did an awesome job and finally landed a job. I’m back in the employment business! Can I get a whoop whoop!?  Well hear this…

I have never worked for a family business before.  I have always worked for companies that were all over the globe or at least North America.  I wasn’t expecting how different it was.  The good thing was that the pay was an increase from my last job.

On my first day, I was told I had to sign in.  What the eff is that?  I thought.  Then as I stood at the punch clock trying to figure out what the hell to do with the card in my hand bearing my name, the accountant came to my rescue.  “It’s easy.  Just put it in like this then push that.”  It was easy.

Finding a clean washroom was harder.  There were two and they were both cringe worthy.  Dirty sinks, over-flowing garbage, dirty floors.  I was scared to touch anything.  I asked the accountant who was now my best friend, if they needed a cleaning company.  “Oh we are so small that we dont go through that much garbage.  We have someone come in once a week.”  Hmmm…O.K…

At my last work, I was a spoiled coffee brat.  Enjoying different flavours of coffees with a reckless abandon, with flavoured creamers.  No such thing here.  A coffee pot sat on a brewer, filled with cheap Maxwell House coffee.  Close by were containers of powdered coffee mate.  All stuff I never touch.  I was aghast but hid it well.  Ahhhh…Coffee! I said out loud as I spotted the thing in the corner.

To sum it up, I had to squeeze my lunch in a corner of a small bar fridge shared by everyone else and washed my cup in the bathroom sink as there was no actual lunch room, hence no sink.  In fact the coffee maker had to share table space with the fax machine.  Think of the money…think of the money…Oh and in the interview don’t forget the guy said they are like family here. I love family.

The kicker was the breaks, especially the lunch breaks.  There was nowhere to go so everyone stayed at their desks working through their given 15 minutes breaks.  Lunch was no different.  I didn’t want to be interrupted during my sacred time so I took my lunch to my car and ate it there.  I went to the boss and asked if I could just tag my two 15 minute breaks unto my lunch so I could have an hour lunch.  He said it was ok as long as I let them know first.  Say what? Think of the money, man. The money!!

Ok, I’m still there so you are wondering what’s the upside.  Well except for two women, it’s an All-Men work place.  No teenagers with hangovers from partying, no drama queens, no gossipy old lady, no bosses with god complex.  It’s close to home but far from any shopping malls or stores which means less spending on my lunch break.  The work is almost exactly what I did in my last stint and the guys are actually not bad to work with and for.  One fella has been there for 30 years enjoying the perks,or lack of.  So I think I will live and when it gets bad all I have to do is think of the money, man, think money!

The Old Lady Had To Die. And The Boss Too

I am sorry, Old Lady

I am sorry, Old Lady

I killed the Old Lady and my boss fired me.  Simple as that but let me explain before you go jumping to accusatory conclusions.  I haven’t or didn’t actually kill anyone.  I killed them in my head due to work related stress due to overload of responsibilities.  Ok ok, let me explain better than that as you seem all confused.

In a couple of blogs way back, you might have caught on that I was becoming more and more stressed out at work.  Here and Here.  The ‘Old Lady’, my boss, his boss, gossipy people…you know how it is. An undesirable work environment.  So I killed the old lady.  She died a million different ways in my mind as I conjured up painful ways of eliminating her and her grating ways.  Between murdering her, I also lay a hurting on my boss for his uncaring and unprofessional attitude.  As I smiled and wished him good morning, I played over his demise in my mind.  I was like an angry hulk, smashing everything that caused me pain.  They sure wouldn’t like me when I was angry.

Just when I was running out of ways to extinguish the office poisons, the boss, who had apparently escaped his virtual death, released me. Yes, fired me.  He probably saved my life and perhaps his. And perhaps the old lady’s. Save by the bell!  I thanked him wordlessly as he read me my rights.  My terms of release they call it.  Drop whatever you were doing and get the hell outta here! Well he didn’t say it that way but knowing him, that’s what he meant.  As I walked out of the meeting with him and the HR buzzard, I couldn’t resist murdering the both of them again.

Their tortured screams followed me all the way to my car. I cranked the stereo to drown them out. Bob Marley sang ‘Don’t worry’ to me and as I drove into unemployment and I thought, ‘Every little thing, is gonna be alright…’

Goodbye Old Lady.  Officer, it was assisted suicide.

images

 

Friday Folly: Lost In The Loo

th (1)I wasn’t actually ‘lost’ per se.  I was kinda caught up in what I was doing.  No, not number too, even though that’s what people do when they go to the loo and spend a considerable amount of time in there.  Loo by the way, is an informal term for toilet.

Today, I paid unscheduled visit to the office toilet/bathroom/washroom/loo.  I had lots of work on my desk so I wasn’t intending to get too friendly with it.  Just in and out and back to work.  Well so much for that.  My short visit almost turned into a sleepover.  Someone who apparently had little on their desk, it being Friday and all, had taken the day’s newspaper to the bathroom and left it in there for the next visitor.  How nice! How thoughtful!

The mistake I made was to even spare a glance at the darn thing.  Next thing you know I was face deep in news, arts and sports.  Hockey scores, local crimes, latest fashion, food and entertainment, I took it all in as I sat on my porcelain throne.  My bare and ignored butt unaware of what was happening above deck. Totally clueless.

Oh, I even read the obits too! Yes I did.  As I finished up the last page, I realized that I was in my little private getaway for much too long.  Are they missing me out there?   I tossed the now  useless paper back where I found it, like a cheap and dirty hooker.  (Not that I have experience in that regard) then stumbled out into the light.  I looked back as I exited and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Was it me or did I grow a beard while in there?  I seemed to have aged a bit also.  Even my co-workers didn’t look the same.  But that could all have been due to my eyes being out of focus.

What important lesson did I learn?  Shit or get off the pot.

I flushed and washed, in case you are wondering.

My Bathroom Getaway

My Bathroom Getaway

Thinking Happy Thoughts. :)

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So in the last few days,  I was/am going through some anxiety issues. Most likely from my ever-increasing workload at work.  And no, not the ‘old lady’ I blogged about.  I am learning to cope with her and NO! no more dreams either.  You don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about the old lady here.

Anyways, I have always had the impression that I have a very strong mind and can close off any negative or harmful thoughts just like that. Bam! Door closed.  So when I felt my first anxiety attack coming on, I sought to remedy the situation by thinking happy thoughts.  Plus, I had just read a blog that suggested the very same thing.  It was a sure-cure.  To overcome stress and anxiety, think happy thoughts. So I did. Or I tried to.

My kids are my happy trigger so quite naturally I immediately decided to use them as my therapy.  The thoughts that came to my head were not of the happy variety. I thought of the screams and the fights and the stubbornness and the cries and the whines and the…you get the picture.  Five minutes later, I was stressed out even more and had a headache.

Hmm…well the wife is my joy so why not try her? So I did.  Did you do the dishes? Was the first thought that came to my head.  Did you bathe the kids? Clean the house? Wash the car? Take a shower? Change the light bulbs?...I shut her off too before more damage could be done.  Wow! This is harder than I thought. Not to mention stressful.

Last ditch effort.  I figured I’d think of those great memories of my youth.  Aha! That should work.  Well it should but it didn’t.  I thought of the times we couldn’t afford to eat and I had to go hungry. Wearing pants with holes.  Touching my female friends inappropriately.  (Omit).  Touching my male friends inappropriately. (Omit that one too). I remembered a lot of stuff that should have stayed forgotten.  In the end, no success.

Back to square one.  So after futile efforts trying to conjure up some happy thoughts, I admitted defeat and realized that somehow, my well of happy thoughts had dried up.

😦

Stressed at work? Write your boss a blog

Last week I was stressed out at work.  Too much on my plate, too little training and too many expectations.  I was at my breaking point. Ready to hurl something.  Then I decided to write my boss a blog.

Ok, it wasn’t exactly a blog. I wrote him an email letting him know exactly how I was feeling.  I was not rude or anything.  He understood, or at least he made a good game of pretending to understand how I felt and even scheduled a sit-down with me.  It never happened because he was too busy but you know what? The next day I felt much better! No stress.  Why?

Well the fact that my boss did not think it was an emergency that I was losing my state of sanity made me put things in perspective.  If it wasn’t important to him that I did my work with 100% efficiency, why should it be to me? Well except that I hold myself to a higher standard than most…So I calmed down and man, do I ever feel good! I go to work and I do what I can and save the rest for the next day.  I don’t worry about the stuff that’s not completed. My boss doesn’t.  Well unless he gets crap from his boss then the shit rolls downhill and then the emergency switch gets hit.

So if you are feeling like there’s too much on your plate and you are close to snapping, don’t.  Sit down and write your boss a blog.