How The Heck Do You Do That?

Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up.  I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?

After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience.  Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.

Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable.  Don’t pad my stats.  You feelin me?

Like THAT!

Basic Blogging Tips For Newbies

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

So you want to blog eh? Hmm…ok, what is your main goal? Do you want lots of likes and followers or you don’t give a damn? Maybe you just like to get your thoughts and ideas out there. Well you came to the right place, I’m a gonna break it all down for ya’ll…

First, decide what the hell you want to do before you get into this blogging thing.  Don’t write a few posts only to realize it’s not your thing or you have no time to blog, not even once a month.  The web is already over littered with half-finished blogs like my kids’ plates after dinner, don’t add yours to the list.  Ok, glad we had this conversation. Phew!

If you decide that you want to use your blog just to air your thoughts, then listen up.  When I started blogging, I had no intentions of sharing them with anyone.  At least not anyone I know. I was able to blog more freely not knowing or caring who my readers were. If I wanted to blog about gays, I didn’t have to worry that I would hurt my gay friends. I could air my honest opinion on topics without feeling bad that someone I know could take it personal. Then I added people I know.  And that’s when my blogging change. I started over thinking.

So it’s up to you.  Now about schedule.  The blogging experts will tell you that you should set up a schedule and stick to it.  Be it once a week, month, whatever.  I would say no way to that.  Sticking to a regular schedule sometimes forces you to write weak blogs for the sake of writing.  Trust me, if someone likes your blogs, they don’t care if you write once a week or once a month.  Tell the experts I said that.

There’s more but I really don’t have time to get into detail. One last thing though, don’t write too much.  As they say, “shit or get off the pot.”  Meaning, don’t run on and on and on.  It’s not going to make one bit of difference. Well it might get people to seek shorter blogs somewhere else.  I have seen a blog where the blogger had the one word ‘Aaaahhhh’ or something like that and guess what?  People actually liked it!  Quite of few people!  So just write the darn thing and don’t be a pussy!

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I Am Not A Real Blogger But You Can Still Follow Me

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

I have a confession.  Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger.  Far from.  I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them.  I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.

A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page.  A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read.  I don’t really give two hoots.  I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head.  I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.

If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously.  If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional.  If it’s not, I just failed to proofread.  If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out.  It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass.  Ala verbal diarrhea.

So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger.  I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience?  I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?

I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger.  I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it.  Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.

Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…

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One Award Down, A Few More To Go!

versatile-bloggerMy blog pal over at bekkysworld has nominated me as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award!  I am touched that someone actually thinks that my brain droppings would be deserving of any award.  I know I have a funny and distinct writing style that begs to be read and I also try and stay true to my blogs and not pretend or misrepresent how I really feel, but still…An award? Versatile blogger? Me? No way! You didn’t Bekky! No Ms. Evans, say it ain’t so.

Ok, it is so and I am proud and glad at this moment to accept this thing award.  I will put it on my mantle piece…oh wait, what?  It’s not an actual thing? Not tangible?  Then Bekky, could you please tell me how the heck I am supposed to show it off to my mom and the rest of my non-blog-educated family?  You gave me an award that I can’t even show to anyone?  Well again, thanks a lot, Ms. Evans!  And to boot, you want me to write 7 things about myself?  You don’t ask for much now, do you?  Well here goes…

1.  I am a performer who suffers serious anxiety when I have to perform.  (Not in bed, silly ass!)

2.  My favorite food is pizza and I love pizza hut.

3.  LIke that Bekky from bekkysworld, I love to read.  I also write poetry and songs

4.  I am a Christian

5.  I take personal delight in getting a like and/or a follow on my blogs.  I get a high that lasts for hours.

6. If I could be someone else and somewhere else, guess what? I would choose to be me and be right here. Boring eh?

7.  Humor is extremely important to me and I enjoy seeing people happy and laughing.  I enjoy that even more than getting a like or a follow.  So smile today and make me happy.

And now I must nominate some other deserving bloggers.  My picks are:

sassandbalderdash

clownonfire

littlemisswordy

myvuze

baconandjackrussells

Note:  If the nominees are unable to accept their awards, a proxy could be assigned.  If nominees still fail or refuse to be a part of this reputable award, then they could go and um..er…ahm…write a blog or something!

Blog Tip: Don’t Over Thunk It

Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs.  Yep, I seriously do.  I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff.  Take this blog for instance.  I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there.  This one is good for the new bloggers especially.

Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content.  Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail?  More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.

Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging.  Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out.  Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok.   I

I used to be like that for a long time.  I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised?  I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes.  I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.

There!  My tip for the day.  Just let it out and don’t over thunk it.  You will be fine, trust me.  I am.

The Mysterious Woman At The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant

IMG00074-20100801-1906Everyone at The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant turned to look.  Some stared without apology.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I looked up casually and went back to my work.  I was perched on a weathered looking chair at a crooked and unpainted table in a corner of the coffee shop area.  From my vantage point, I could see who was entering or leaving and that’s how I saw her enter.  I was on a mission and couldn’t be derailed by the sight of a woman.  I was intent on writing THAT blog.  The big one.  The one that would get my name up there with the pros. This woman would not rob me of this opportunity!

The Freshly Pressed Coffee Shop and Restaurant is far from being an upscale restaurant.  The decor is limited and consists of wooden tables covered by white and cheap looking tablecloths.  The chairs are not comfortable.  Hardwood floors looked ready for a makeover. In fact, the entire restaurant screamed for a makeover.  With its dimly lit interior, you really needed the coffee to keep you awake, unless you kept awake by blogging about something interesting.  The lingering aroma of every different blend of coffee hangs in the air mixed with whatever food was hot out of the kitchen.  Despite what it didn’t have going for it, it was invitingly warm and cozy and the atmosphere was very welcoming.  It had a homely feel to it and that’s why I chose to blog here.  It was my Eden.  My little niche was situated in the farthest and darkest corner.  From my vantage point, I could the comings and goings but usually don’t.

From the corner of my eye I saw the woman make a bee line for the table right next to mine.  I smelled her perfume before she was close enough to fully drink her in.  Liz Taylor perfume? No, too young. She was only about 30 was my guess and a stunner!  A definite head turner.  Now it was my turn to stare at the thing of beauty.  Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba all rolled into one.  Her long blonde hair flowed orderly down the nape of her neck which had a red silk scarf hanging loosely around it.  She wore a low-necked black blouse complemented by a hip-hugging and contour-revealing black skirt that flirted with the top of her knees.  Black leather boots came up her long legs.  Her face was angelic.  Brushed with a light touch of makeup and a hint of lipstick on her pouty lips.  I also noticed that she wore no wedding band.  In fact, her long and well manicured fingers were bare.  Not that it would have made a difference to me.  She was out of my league.  Plus I was a married blogger.  In love with this mysterious but beautiful woman whose peach-like lips opened up partly to reveal her magnificent pearly whites in a smile.  She smiled at me!

Now where was I?

Why I have another blog

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde po...

I started blogging just over a year ago.  It was a private affair that later turned into an ‘invite only’.  I wasn’t keen on everyone reading my thoughts.  After a couple of months and some urging from friends and family, I went fully public.  I must confess, it wasn’t an easy thing for me.  I am usually a very private person when it comes to my thoughts.  I am more a listener than a talker.  (Ok, maybe I feared the criticism too).

Going public was great for stats.  (I shared my blogs on Facebook, Twitter and other sites).  I watched as my followers and daily views increased.  it was fun! Then I realized something.  My writing had changed.  I was now second guessing each blog and its contents.  What would this person say when she reads this?  Oh, I can’t write this. I have a friend with this issue and they will think I’m writing about them.  Would my friends like this one? They are going to see me differently after reading this one.  It was as though I had lost the cloak of anonymity.  And so I started another blog.

With this blog, I regained my anonymous status.  It is public but I do not advertise it to my friends or family.  If they happen to find it on WP, they would not be able to make the connection.  A month ago, I had to show my wife a few of the blogs as I thought they were well written pieces.  She was unhappy that I had not bothered to tell her that I had a new blog.  I explained that I wanted a blog that I could feel free to write however and whatever I want.   I mean seriously, do I want my mom to read blogs about me trying not to have an erection on massage tables?  Of course not!  My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship.

I have more fun writing funnysideupandscrambled than any of my other blogs.  It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde personality.   With this blog, you, yes you, are very lucky.  You get to see a side of me that has never before been revealed.  You see the side of me that only a bff would see.

And plain and simple, that’s why I have another blog.  Now go and explore it and come back often.

The blog that got away

Writing

This one will knock their socks off!

I am not trying anymore.  To write a killer blog, that is.  You see, I have written, as Saddam Hussein would have called it, the mother of all blogs.  The pièce de résistance, the crème de la crème. And what do I have to show for it?  Nothing. Zilch. Nada.  No appreciation. No recognition.  In fact, my hurriedly written pieces have garnered more respect.

To be honest, I can’t remember what blog it was but I know when I was  done writing, I had this sense of accomplishment and thought, “This is good stuff.  People are going to love it.  Freshly Pressable for sure.”   I had all my ducks line up.  My T’s were crossed and my I’s dotted.  The topic was fresh and applicable and the delivery delivered like a professional writer.  At least in my opinion.  Yep, this was the one.

I clicked ‘Publish’ and waited.  And waited.  And waited...If I write it they will come, right? Well I wrote it so why weren’t they coming? I kept checking for that bright orange star signifying that I had received a ‘like’.  It stayed grey. At the end of the day, it had one view.  One view! My dream blog.  My masterpiece, only viewed once!  A virtual slap in the face! How embarrassing!  Damn waste of my time and mind!  I should quit blogging!

Now as I keep blogging, I wonder if I could ever come close to matching the blog that got away, the one you didn’t read.  The one with the one view and no stars.  Like I said,  I am not sure which blog I remember it being a dandy.

So let me ask you, have you ever written such a blog?  One that you seriously thought was one of your better work and then watched as it went by relatively unnoticed?  Which blog was it? I’ll go check it out right now.  In the meantime, go take a gander at my masterpiece.  It’s in there somewhere.

BWD – Blogging While Drunk

Deutsch: Schild Drunken People

Caution:  Drunken People Blogging

Ok, here’s the scoop, I was working on a project and after it was completed, I had a couple drinks to celebrate.  I then got to thinking, what if I blogged under the influence?  So here I am with a experimental blog while intoxicated.  It’s my blog so I really could do what I want.

 

I suddenly realize that I haven’t got a topic on which to blog about.  I am drawing a blank here.  I am a bit inebriated but not overly. I can still type and make sense, sort of but can’t think of topics.  Who cares anyway, it’s an experiment on blogging while drunk so we really do not need a topic.  For the experiment, I won’t edit or change anything.

 

Blogging under the influence is actually not as bad as it sounds.  Your writing flows like a river and if you have ideas to write about, man you’ll be kicking some serious ass.  Like right now, I can’t stop writing. It’s just that I didn’t think this thing through or I would have come prepared and have a topic to go on about.  I guess you can say this is the ‘scrambled’ part of my ‘funnysideupandscrambled’ as my brain is on the scrambled side.

 

I am not going to sit here and go on and on about the advantage of blogging, (Thank me later) but on occasion, I think I will enjoy some mind altering drug on a few of my blogs in the future. (And no, I don’t do drugs).

 

Hey, I was wondering, if I produce a blog that makes it to Freshly Pressed and they found out later that I wrote it while drunk-ish, would they rescind my nomination on the fact that I was found to be using performance enhancing drugs?  As I said earlier, it does enhance your writing performance. (Not your sexual one though).

 

I am out.  Out of here I mean.  Have a good weekend.