Dadda!

Hey Dads, and you too moms, ever noticed how you have different feelings towards your child calling ‘mommy’ or ‘Daddy’?

When your little one first utters the word ‘Dadda’ or ‘Mama’, you drop whatever you were doing, and run to their crib, or where ever they are.  “Oh my God! She said Dadda! She said Dadda! Did you hear that, hon?  Babes, little Elsa just said Dadda!”  As the ‘Dadda’ utterances get more frequent, your response times slows until one day, you barely react.  Glued to your television set watching the Winnipeg Jets play the Washington Capitals, little Elsa’s ‘Dadda’ falls on deaf ears.

Unfortunately, little Elsa is not ‘little’ anymore.  The cuteness is gone.  Elsa is 7 years old and now says ‘daddy’ instead of ‘dadda’.  You barely noticed the transition and sometimes actually cringe when  you hear ‘Daddy!’   Just call your mom, already!  What does a guy have to do to just get some peace and quiet around here?  It’s not the same anymore, is it?

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Friday Folly: Threesome With Teachers, A Boy’s Dream

A couple of decent-looking Teachers were arrested for having a threesome with a 16 year-old male student after watching Friday night football.  Maybe he was tricked into going over to their house for some private lessons. Maybe it wasn’t a trick, maybe it really was private lessons. Maybe they were working on his linguistic ability. So many maybes.

This was wrong on all counts. So wrong! Wrong for these adults to have sexual encounters with a minor and wrong for this damn kid to be so damn lucky!  I had a crush on my hot English teacher in high school but not once did I even entertain the thought of having a threesome with her and say my history teacher.  In fact I had no clue what a threesome was at 16 years old.  Had I known then what I know now…

Back to the story, apparently all this hanky panky happened after watching NFL Friday Night Football. Not sure how that ties in but it did.  I am thinking that he didn’t  quarterback this arrangement. As can be expected, the boy had some problems keeping this err..uhm, lucky break, under wraps and blabbed to his friends about his accomplishment and that’s how it was made known.  As if any 16 year-old would ever keep something like that a secret!

All I can say at this time is Bad teachers! and You lucky ass!

 

 

 

 

Honey, Can’t We Just Talk?

My wife is the pant wearer in our marriage.  Yep, kinda, sorta.  She said I am pumped full of estrogen. Well kinda pumped full, sorta.  If I am, then she’s full of testerone.  At night, she wants to have sex. I am sometimes happy to just talk.  With three little ones, we never get to talk anymore. Not that I mind having sex but a little ‘tell me about  your day’ sounds sooo good!

Last night I was rubbing her suggestively, at least to her.  To me it was just a loving touch, not a sign that my tired ass needed some play.  As soon as I saw that she was getting too aroused for my liking, I stopped and rolled over in my best, “Ok, goodnight, I’m off to la la land” impression.  It was almost 10pm for goodness sake!  I had to get up at 5am for work!

She said, ‘Most guys would kill to be in your shoe’ and I didn’t doubt her.  In fact, give me a good rest and I would kill for what she had to offer too.  Maybe it’s the older guy younger woman thing.  Maybe I should head over and ask Katie from Sassandbalderdash about this one.  She has some experience in this type of situation but I’m not sure if she has the intestinal fortitude to air it. She’s not as incognito as I am.  Sorry Katie, inbox me. Let’s chat. Is Mr. Craiglist in the same boat?

As soon as I’m done writing this, in fact right now, I’m going to head upstairs and do my husbandly duty.  No more estrogen-laden excuses.  Honey, can’t we just do it?

Tim McGraw Losing Faith?

English: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill at the 2009...

English: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill at the 2009 American Music Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I usually never blog about Hollywood crap…ok fine, who I am kidding?  The best blogs are those poking fun of celebrities and their wacky ways. Well this one is not so wacky. In fact it’s quite serious. Did you hear that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are calling it quits?  Yes, the one-time country power couple are divorcing!  That’s serious man.

Reliable sources, no not The Enquirer, claim that Tim has fallen for a young masseuse.  Methinks Faith probably rubbed him the wrong way…Well I for one am shocked.  There was just something about these two.  The way they looked at each other, the songs they sang…they sure had chemistry.  It doesn’t matter that the one time hottie, Faith Hill is a bit older and perhaps not as hot as she was before but still…

Damn 24-year old masseuse! Keep the Faith Tim!

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Tacky Tuesday: Honey, Unlock Your Drawers. I’ll Be Home Soon!

chastity-beltHave you heard about the new tool in the fight against rape?  It’s a new form of the chastity belt,  complete with a lock that can only be removed if one uses the right combination.  In other words, the vagina is under lock-down until the warden decides to open it.

I am not sure how effective it is going to be against a rapist but think of the daily nightly issues faced with wearing a panty that needs a combination.  Women are generally not that good at remembering things like combinations to locks so imagine the situation where a couple is about to get freaky, then suddenly, “Ahm…honey, what’s the combination? I can’t get this thing off.”  You know us men when it comes to doing ‘the deed’ we have no patience.  That’s why in x-rated movies, (not that I’ve seen any) the undies are usually ripped off and thrown aside.  So now the woman who is already in a state of turnedonism groaned out a sequence of numbers.  (I wish I could do the voice for you).  “8, 13, 34, 6.” The man hastily tries these numbers to no avail.  The anti-rape panties are not coming off.  His partner mumbles out different combinations.  Her bank card code, her ex’s phone number, nothing works.  The mood is all but killed.  “Open Sesame” fails to work also.

Now do you call a locksmith in this case? “Hello, Locksmith?  Yeah, my wife and I are trying to get it on, if you know what I mean but we can’t get her drawers unlocked.  Could you help?”  If it’s a male locksmith, he would be over before the husband hangs up.  “Ok show me this woman of yours.  I’ve never the seen the drawers I couldn’t get into.”

Panties with a combination lock could make for great fun in the bedroom also.  “Honey! Do you want to play ‘Guess The Combo’ in bed tonight?  There’s something in it for you if you do.”

As for deterring rapes, not a chance.  Well that’s unless the wearer walks around making sure everyone knows that she is wearing one.  “Don’t even try it, punk! I am wearing one of those thingies and you can’t get into my drawers unless I let you!  So back the eff off!”  Yeah, and the tough rapist would just walk away with his head bowed in submission.  “Why the hell does she have to wear one of those?  That’s like the fricking 3rd chick this week.  I am so horny today too!  Shit!”

anti

 

Note:  Rape is a terrible crime against females, and males too.  It has no place in society and my blog is not intended to make light of this issue.

Pissicle For Sale! Pissicle For Sale!

English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

 

Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick.  You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant?  Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked.  Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action.  “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.

 

In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex!  How could you be pregnant?  Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation.  “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper?  A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you?  Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”

 

So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision.  Should I stay or should I go now?  Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now?  Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we?  Oh yeah, piss.

 

But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question?  Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers.  I just throw out scenarios.  Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy?  What does she tell him then?  That she lost baby Jeffery?  “Oh yeah?  You lost the baby?  That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too.  I lost my zeal to be with you also.”  Then he’d probably say,  “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too.  At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Susana!

My African Princess

My African Princess

I received the following private message a couple days ago on Facebook:

Susana Yake

Hello, My name is Miss Susana Yake, I am an Africa girl, I read your profile today at it was so good to me. I feel you are the only one missing in my entered life so i decided to stop on it and let you know that i am interested to be a friend first. I also believe that coming to you will be a probability of meeting that very thing that has been lacking in my entered life. Please contact me at my email address (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)I am a girl with respect and responsible,i respect people also and believe if you contact me,i will give you a full introduction of my self okay. i hope to hear from you soon. Remember, all the darkness in the world, can-not put out the light of a single candle as long as the light of love shines bright in your heart, and (Remember the distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life cares for my future love. (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)

 

At first I was naturally quite flattered.  Come on! I know, I am married but who doesn’t like to get some attention from someone other than the other half? Makes you go, “See honey, I told you the chicks still find me attractive.”  Plus, what’s not to like about an ‘Africa girl’ as she so eloquently put it?  Once you go black, you never go back.  Just ask my wife.

Susana wrote that she saw my profile and got smitten immediately.  Well maybe not in those words.  She also said that she respects people.  Susana, two things I don’t understand, if you saw my profile you would have noticed it said ‘married’.  Wait a minute! How could you even see my profile if my settings prohibited non-friends from seeing it?? Zuckerberg!! Let’s ignore that breach of security for a second so I could mention the next point of contention.  Suzie, you also said you respect people.  If you did, how could you try to come between my wife and I without first asking if we would be cool with a third-party?  Not that I am complaining…

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news Sue, but I think that I won’t be able to fill that hole in your ‘entered’ life.  As a matter of fact, there would be no ‘entering’ or filling of any kind.  I am scared that if I go black I won’t come back and my wife and kids would be devastated with me not coming back.  So I have to decline your offer of everlasting and true love.

If you feel so inclined, keep those flattering messages coming and maybe include a phone number so we could chat sometime. But just chat! Nothing else!  Nice pic by the way! Got any more? Do you go to the beach? Got any beach pics? I love beach pics.  Or sleepover pics of you and your girlfriends having pillow fights. Oh Susana…